Prologue 

“Girl, I don’t know what possessed yo’ ass to put a shop here,” Ra’Nee said, looking in the mirror at her new low Fantasia Fade, which was done up into a Mohawk. “I mean, sure it fixes up nice, but bitch, yo’ ass know the only place to stay in business over here is Kitty’s Cleaners—how many hair shops done been in this one spot over since you can remember?”

  Scheyenne ignored Ra’Nee as she looked around the shop. She was pleased with it all. She hadn’t been inside the little space since the day before her graduation, when she’d gotten her hair done by Sista Fritzy.  She remembered the shop the way it looked    before, but now she couldn’t recognize it. It had been completely remodeled. The design mimicked her first shop in Oakland, which was doing well. She was more than satisfied with the results. Sure, because of the amount of times that the place had changed hands, it seemed like a bad location, especially considering the other locations she had to choose from in East Palo Alto. However, because of the success of her first shop, she was confident she could make it work. 

  If you build it, they will come, she thought, looking out the front windows.

  A forest green Chrysler Town & Country slowed to a stop in front of the shop. She stared at it for a second and then disregarded it. It was just a potential customer reading the signs for the grand opening the next day.

  “Bitch, don’t act like you don’t hear me,” Ra’Nee yelled.

  Scheyenne sighed and turned to Ra’Nee. “Nee-Nee, you done had damn near a year to bitch about this place. Now yo’ ass gon’ wait ‘til we signed the contract and put up the money?”

  Ra’Nee put her hands on her hips and looked Scheyenne up and down. “Who you gettin’ an attitude with; don’t forget where you came from, better yet, where I came from…” 

  Scheyenne didn’t hear the rest. She began laughing somewhere in the beginning of Ra’Nee’s bitchin’ and had turned her head to the left. While Ra’Nee was in the middle of her rant, Scheyenne spotted something out the corner of her eye that didn’t fit. The green mini-van was still there; two jet black Dodge Chargers with tinted windows were now parked behind it. Scheyenne had stopped listening to Ra’Nee altogether as the Chrysler peeled off and the doors of the Dodge Charger began to open. 

  “Shi?  Shi!  Bitch, yo’ ass just gon’ ignore me again?”

  Scheyenne’s heart was pounding as she watched four men, dressed in all black, wearing hoodies and hats creep towards the shop. 

  Black meant death.

  “Scheyenne Hen—”

  “Ra’Nee, get down!” Scheyenne said, reaching for her Prada.

  “Bitch, what?”

  “Ra’Nee, get yo’ ass on the ground,” Scheyenne yelled, looking towards the window as the first bullet shattered the front window, silencing the world. 

  Ra’Nee was screaming, but Scheyenne could not hear them over her own heart pounding in her ears. In one fluid motion, Scheyenne reached into her purse, gripped the nine she was so accustomed to carrying.  She threw herself at Ra’Nee, knocking them both down as holes began appearing in the back wall. Scheyenne was trying to get herself together as the sound whooshed back into her ears. Ra’Nee was hysterical and Scheyenne did the only thing she could; she slapped her. It shocked Scheyenne and obviously, Ra’Nee, as she held her cheeks. 

  “Ra’Nee—” 

  Scheyenne’s face caught fire.

  “Bitch, who the fuck you slappin’?”

  Scheyenne was stunned and a second away from putting a bullet in Ra’Nee, when she heard glass crunching. “Ra’Nee, crawl to the bathroom and stay down.”  Scheyenne thought she’d get an argument, but Ra’Nee turned and hauled ass. 

  Scheyenne laid on her back with her eyes closed, trying to slow her breathing as she thought. There were four men with guns. She had a plain old nine, with eight in the clip and one in the chamber. That was two shots per person, or she could shoot herself out. She knew the latter was not an option with Ra’Nee there.

  Fuck!  

  She heard them moving around slowly in the broken glass and opened her eyes. She was on the other side of the counter, with her gun to her chest. A head appeared over the counter and Scheyenne took aim. The man looked down at her and she winked before pulling the trigger twice. 

  One down, she thought as bullets began flying over her.

  Her heart was pounding as she instinctively covered her face, waiting. She heard the sound of clips falling and being replaced.

Now or never, she thought as she got to her feet as fast as she could. 

  The three remaining guys stood a few feet from one another, reloading their weapons. Scheyenne smiled as she began shooting. She had no idea where she hit the first guy, but he went down fast. The second guy grabbed his throat before falling. Her heart almost came out of her chest as she pointed her gun at the third guy. His M11 was aimed right at her chest. 

Shoot Shi! she thought, praying he wouldn’t shoot first and kill her.

  Click…click…

  Scheyenne’s knees almost buckled. He hadn’t reloaded yet.

  Scheyenne shook her head, trying to get her vitals back under control. 

  “Never send a man to do a woman’s job,” she said, before sending one in his heart.   

  Where the fuck is the police? she thought as she pointed at one of the idling Chargers and shot the side window out, causing them both to speed off. Once they drove off, she dropped her hand, sighing with relief. 

  Sighing again, she looked around the front of the shop.

  “It may be a woman’s job…” Scheyenne heard as a gun pressed into the back of her neck. She raised her hands, dropping her gun and slowly turned around as the man said, “But it’s a man’s world.” He jerked his head towards the back of the shop.

  Scheyenne marched to her office where there was a back door. On the way out, she saw Ra’Nee peek her head out the bathroom and she slowly shook her head so she’d stay put. 

  Out back, she saw the green Town & Country.

  As they approached, the back was popped and the man said, “Get in.”

  Scheyenne turned and looked at him. “Really?  Are you serious?”

  He cocked the hammer back and she rolled her eyes and climbed into the back of the minivan next to the rope and duct tape…

* * *  

Yeah, that’s me—Shi… I know, I know, you wonderin’; is this bitch in the trunk of a car? Again?  Hold up; check it out. It’s not a car, it’s a minivan and the proper term is cargo hold, not trunk. I mean come on; at least it ain’t my car this time. I mean, I’ll be damned if a bitch was gon’ tie me up and put me in the back of my own shit… again. 

  But yeah, look; this time, I have no idea—

  All right, I ain’t even gon’ lie like that. I might have some idea of why I’m in this trun— I mean cargo hold. Come on y’all, you know who my daddy is, then what my ex-best, whom I still can’t find did—I’ll explain how she is still alive later, I promise—, and then there’s the man’s wife that I’m… fucking. 

Aye!  Don’t judge me; you don’t know my life, or maybe you do. 

Anyways, I ain’t even gon’ stress off the shit though. I’m just gon’ sit back, ride the shit out, and… wait… is this… Aww yeah, this nigga’s playin’ my shit. 

  “Nigga, don’t act like a bitch, bitch, bitch… that’s why I don’t got love for a…” 

  But yeah, I guess it all started when I met Josh…

Part 1: Shi, Sin, & Niema

Chapter 1

Lance ‘Lil L’ Knight was a small timer. 

Lil’ L was one of the many in competition for the Bay Area. T-money left a big puddle to fill in the Bay. Even Spin tried to emulate him and monopolize the Bay. T-money was not like any other. Lil’ L knew that in order to stay on top of the game, he would need to take a page out of T-money’s rulebook. He knew it would take years to get to T-money’s status, but it was possible. 

Unlike most of the others trying to make a name for themselves in the Bay, Lil’ L was born and raised in the Bay: Richmond, to be exact. The others competing for the Bay were from down south and the East Coast. They had their foot all around the United States. They were just there for a few extra dollars. They got their coke from their main connects in Miami. Lil’ L’s source told him that all the foreigners dealt with the Jamaicans and the Columbians. They had the Miami port sewed up. 

Lil’ L smiled at the mediocre attempts at running a drug empire he saw, and knew he had to be different. That’s how T-money was so successful, he was different and he was a leader, a visionary. He brought the legal world to an illegal business. The layers he worked and surrounded himself within made him untouchable. 

Or so he thought.

With a little ass-kissing—something he was sure T-money did—Lil’ L was able to secure a connect with the Mexicans. All great men start off with a little ass-kissing.

He had a game plan and with the quality of coke he got from the border, he was able to work his magic. 

Because the Mexican’s coke was so potent, he was able to slow cook it and get it to ninety percent.  That was the reason he was able to stay living right and in the latest. He could flip his bricks fast, and this was how he got in good with the Mexicans. Pleased, the Mexicans gave him a special price. 

Yes, he had it together. He had the blueprint laid out; he had a master plan, a vision. Though he had it all, there was still a problem.

Lil’ L was smart; he could sell drugs and he could make money, but he was no leader. He was sloppy and unorganized, making people question him and his authority. Lil’ L wanted to run the Bay, but he was having a management problem. That was the only reason he was sitting in the parking lot of Flood Elementary School behind Flood Park. There were several other expensive cars with big, shiny rims parked throughout the parking lot, along with his Benz.

 After the last person arrived, they hadn’t been sitting there long before a loud, black, souped-up Honda Accord drove through the parking lot. It made a U-turn and drove forward until it was in the middle of the parking lot. It stopped and flashed its lights.

Lil’ L’s heart was pounding. He was sure the meeting would be the kick-start he’d need in the game.

R.J. found him. He approached him a few months ago, asking him about the Bay Area and its drug game. The man was smooth and Lil’ L felt no hesitation in talking to him. And in the time Lil’ L gave R.J., he found out that he was one hell of a salesman. He sold him on organizing the Bay. R.J. was somehow up on his T-money hype. So, Lil’ L did the only natural thing he could, join them. 

After making a few phone calls as R.J. asked him, a month later, there they were.

Lil’ L started his Benz and flashed the lights, signaling for the other cars. Lil’ L pulled up close, next to the Honda and parked, leaving his keys in the ignition and the headlights on. The other cars fell in place next to one another, forming a U.

R.J. got out of his car, walked to the hood and sat down. Lil’ L scrambled out of his car. As his door shut, the other car doors began opening.

Chapter 2

Lil’ L greeted R.J. as the others leaned on their cars, watching. 

“What’s up?” Lil’ L greeted.

“Nothin’ much folks. This everybody?” R.J. asked, looking around.

“The best, just like you asked,” Lil’ L said, hoping the lie wasn’t that obvious. 

R.J. nodded as he stared off into the distance. Lil’ L followed his gaze; seeing nothing, he looked back at R.J., then back off into the distance.

“So, what’s up?” Lil’ L asked again, looking back at R.J. “We gon’ get down to business? Or just shoot the breeze?” Lil’ L tried adding a little laughter so it didn’t sound too harsh.

“Patience,” R.J. said. “You have to learn it if you want to be number one. A lot of being on top is about waiting, shooting the breeze.”

“Huh? What we doing?”

“Waiting,” R.J. said. “You’re going to learn that being on top is all about waiting, the baddest man waits the shortest time… But there’s nothing wrong with waiting, because when you wait, the thing you’ve been waiting on, desiring, will find you.”

Lil’ L looked around and then back at R.J.

“What are we waiting for?” Lil’ L asked, after a few more minutes of silent waiting.

“Who?”

“What?”

“Not a what, a who,” R.J. said, still staring off into the distance.

“Who?”

R.J. smiled and lifted his chin and said, “The boss.”

Lil’ L’s curiosity overweighed his confusion as the lights grew closer. A jet black Aston Martin on dubs, with tinted windows, glided over the gravel almost soundlessly. The car roared like a cougar when it was not purring. R.J. smiled at the bluish headlights as Lil’ L and the others struggled to keep their jaws from dropping. 

Stopping, it positioned itself in the center of the U that R.J., Lil’ L and the others he brought made. Lil’ L knew of R.J.’s association; he’d called him the brains behind it all. Lil’ L knew that meant R.J. was nothing more than an assistant. Lil’ L was barely breathing when the door made a mechanical sound. The door pushed out and slid up.

Lil’ L was still nuttin’ on himself from the butterfly door, so he didn’t pay much attention to the leg, which stepped out. The person got out of the car, stepping into the light and coming into full view.

Staring down at the black stilettos made Lil’ L’s head whip up, as he noticed the Boss was a woman.

Chapter 3

The black high heels were attached to long legs clad in jet-black skinny jeans, which rode low on the hips. Her black jean jacket was slightly bigger, if not the same size as her shirt. The jacket wouldn’t button up; it was one of those girl jackets with the sole function of being an accessory. 

Her jet-black hair made what you could see of her face glow.

From the way she wore her hair, you couldn’t help but think of the late, great Aaliyah. 

She walked to the front of the Aston Martin, where R.J. met her. He instructed everyone to move in.

“Good evening, gentlemen,” the woman said in a strong, yet confident feminine voice. 

No one spoke as she looked around the group of men, scanning faces with the eye that was not covered by a bang.

“Lil’ L, would you be so kind as to introduce everyone?”

Lil’ L looked around nervously, what the fuck? Lil’ L knew the question on every mind was the same, What’s up with the bitch?

“This is Grime,” Lil’ L said obediently after a second thought. Though he was quickly losing faith in R.J. he decided to see where this led. He pointed to Grime and then at each man to his right. He was directing all his attention to R.J. as if he were introducing them to him. He was hoping everyone would be fooled into believing he was the man in charge. 

He was four people in, when he noticed R.J. and the girl talking to one another. They seem to not really be listening.

“And this is Sick Wit It,” he said pointing at the fat man and wondering, should I introduce myself?

The woman was shaking her head slowly.

Growing restless, one of the men spoke. “Aye, I didn’t come here to stand around. Are we gonna talk money or what?”

Lil’ L turned to Sick Wit It as he said, “And what’s up with the bitch?”

The girl looked at Sick Wit It and lifted a well-sculpted eyebrow. The blank stare on her face betrayed nothing as she turned to Lil’ L and asked, “You in charge?”

It wasn’t a question, but Lil’ L nodded. 

“This is so pathetic. I asked for a crew and I get boys pretending to be gangstas,” she shot out.

“Aye Blood, I’m gone,” a light-skinned man with dreads, said. “I ain’t come all the way out here for no games and check it mami, I’ma thug, through and through.”

“What’s your name?” she asked, before he could turn to his car.

“Swift,” he said, stopping in his tracks.

She nodded and said, “I’ll be the boss of that.” Speaking under her breath loud enough to be heard, she said, “I can do this, time to make something out of nothing…a woman’s job.”

 She raised her voice and said aloud, “Before I start and so I don’t waste anyone’s time.” She reached behind her back and quickly pulled out a nickel-plated Glock. Holding it up, she pointed to the sky, noting the looks of horror as some prepared to run. Only one person seemed to have a gun. “Lesson number one; never, ever, get caught with yo’ pants down. Always keep at least one gun on you, like our man Swift here.”

Lil’ L’s heart was pounding as he looked at the crazy bitch.

“How many of you have seen one of these?” she asked, looking around. No one answered her seemingly dumb question. “How many of you own one? How many of you’ve used one? How—”

“Yo’, R.J., come on man, is this a joke?” Lil’ L built up the courage to ask.

“No, it’s not,” she answered quickly, without looking at him. Without elaborating, she continued. “I take it you all know why you’re here. Now, if any of you are scared or don’t want to be here, now would be the perfect time to leave.” She waited a full minute, looking around; no one left. “Curiosity should not be the reason you’re staying.” Still, no one left. “Alright, this is an informational meeting, just something so we can meet. The next time we meet, have your guns and be ready—”

“For what?”

“Everything,” she said to a hooded man. “Before I leave, I have a very important question. How many of you have ever been shot?”

Two figures next to one another were the only two who’d escaped a bullet. She nodded, sighed, and then quickly lifted her gun and shot each of them. One in the arm, the other in the thigh. There was a lot of noise as some of the men moved and ran, all except for R.J. Lil’ L was frozen to the spot.

“Take them to the hospital and once they’re one hun’it, we’ll be ready,” she said aloud as heads peeked from behind cars. She turned, walked to the door of the Aston Martin and then abruptly stopped. She turned around and said, “Oh yeah, Sick Wit It?”

“Sup,” she heard after a moment of hesitation. He slowly stood behind a Toyota Camry. She smiled and in one fluid motion, lifted her gun and shot him. She couldn’t care less if he was dead because of his screams. She walked around the car to the Toyota and the screaming man.

“What the fuuuuccckkk...you…I already been shot befo’,” he yelled at her, clutching his shoulder.

“Don’t call me a bitch again,” she said, loud enough for everyone cowering behind and around cars to hear. “My name is Sin,” she said, as she walked to her car. She got in, backed out, and then burned rubber as she left.

Chapter 4

Scheyenne was floating above her body looking down at herself and Vicky, her ex-best friend’s bulky, pregnant frame. They were staring at one another as Kelly Price’s “Friend of Mine” restarted. 

Shi was unnaturally calm. She felt nothing as the familiar scene played.

She could see the fear in Vicky’s eyes as she shook her head, eyes wide, searching for something to say. She knew the scheming bitch was trying to think of a way to save herself. She knew it was over and that she’d come to the end of the line. 

“Shi, please…” she finally said, looking up into Shi’s eyes. Shi stared down at her, unfazed. Vicky was fumbling for words. “I’m p-p-pregnant,” she stuttered.

Shi quickly lifted the gun she’d been holding and without thinking, she aimed at Vicky’s stomach, all the while looking in her eyes, and pulled the trigger twice. 

Shi got no satisfaction or displeasure from it.

“Not anymore,” Shi said indifferently as she aimed her pistol at Vicky’s head and sent a bullet in-between her eyes. Vicky’s head snapped back from the force of the bullet.

* * *

Before she could hit the ground, I sat up straight, pointing the gun I’d just held in my nightmare, sweeping it around the dark and silent room.

“Another one?” I heard and almost jumped out of my skin.

I swung my gun towards the voice. 

The light switched on and I realized I was pointing my gun at Dr. Richards. Frightened by my mistake, I lowered my gun so quickly; you’d thought I dropped it. I knew I was about to get it, even though I didn’t need her to help me feel any worse, I knew she would.  No doubt, I deserved it; I almost took her head off. 

“I’m going to ignore the fact that you pointed a gun at me, again, and understand the fact that it just might be loaded. While I trust that you, at the very least, have the safety on, I pray to God you’re that damn skilled to not kill one of us,” Dr. Richards said, without taking a breath in a betraying, yet calm voice.

Sighing, I flipped the safety on, ejected the clip, popped the bullet in the chamber, sat the gun on the nightstand and threw the ammo across the bed. Dr. Richards shook her head, glided to the bed and sat down next to me. I couldn’t look at her, so I stared down the bedspread, feeling her gaze.

“Tell me about it,” she said, pulling me into a warm hug.

Shrugging, I sighed and said, “Same as always.”

She knew what I meant. She’d heard the story so many times before. But, each and every time she made me explain it; made me relive it. 

The night terrors started the same night I left the hospital; the night Dr. Richards told me that I’d lost my baby—our baby—King’s baby. I guess I lost it, stressing over losing King again. 

 First, I started dreaming about King. I watched him get shot over and over again. I watched him die every time I closed my eyes, as it were a movie reel on repeat. Then our baby started making appearances. Those were dreams where I was washing dishes or cooking, just doing regular stuff. You know them dreams when you don’t know you dreaming because it’s just the boring stuff you do. Stuff like shave your legs or just chilling and doing gross stuff like wipe yo’ ass and then inspect your shit. You know, stuff you don’t normally dream about.

Well, I’d be dreaming about stuff like that and then it’d hit me. I’m chilling in a bubble bath and the water turns red, or I’m doing a head and there is this unbearable pain in my stomach.  I swear that pain was real enough to bring me out of my sleep, screaming and sweating. In the nightmare, I would lose our baby, whenever I closed my eyes.

And as you can guess, Vicky’s ole stank ass made an appearance to fuck some shit up. I would see her taunting me in all my nightmares. Sometimes, I’d find her and catch her, and sometimes I’d kill her. I’d shoot her, but then she’d turn into King and I’d watch him die all over again as Vicky ran off with a bloody baby blanket in a ball…

Chapter 5

I kept my night terrors to myself and suffered in silence, while I let a manhunt for Vicky consume my life.  The search took me all the way to Africa and cost me over a million dollars.

 To put it in the words of the twenty-seven private investigators I’d hired, “It’s like she disappeared”.

It’s so bad, I’m at the point that I think the bullet got me trippin’ and I hallucinated the whole damn thing. 

However, I know that shit ain’t true. For one, the bitch was there; she was there when I got out of that trunk. Now that I think about it, Spin did hit my ass pretty hard.

I knew that if it weren’t for Dr. Richards I’d be dead or on my way back to the State Hospital. In addition, if it weren’t for Nee-Nee, I wouldn’t have a business. She is single-handedly running the shit out of Simply Shi’s. 

 I wasted tons of money, only for people to tell me that I was looking for a dead woman—a woman that I was responsible for declaring dead. I knew each investigator thought I was crazy, but they gladly took my money and pointed me to different geographical locations, which in turn, led to me throwing more money down the drain. 

I’d lost weight, I looked bad and would have probably ran myself into either insanity of the grave had it not been for Dr. Richards. 

My cellphone had been shut off again because I’d forgotten to pay, or used all the money in the account that the easy pay was set up on; the reason doesn’t matter. I’d been on my latest excursion, which had me in Africa,-and let me tell you…Africa… I’m still in awe, by everything. Good and bad. What I will say now is that I am looking forward to going back and touching bases with some of the new friends I met. 

I’d just gotten home and I know I looked, smelled, and certainly felt a mess. I’d walked in the door somewhere around three am, went to my room, lay down, and closed my eyes for what felt like a second, before I was ripped from the grace of sleep. Dr. Richards had my curtains open, food and a smile on her face. A smile, which betrayed the angry tone of her voice.

With the way I was feeling, she’s lucky her ass didn’t get hit. 

Long story short, I was busted and now after unwillingly leaving my home in Diamond’s care, I was back to living with the Richards’.

Suffering.

It was hard on me because I had to sit there and put on a good, strong face for the boys and I just didn’t feel like being strong. But, I knew I couldn’t sleep for even a second, because Vicky was out there somewhere and, I was a mess.

Chapter 6

I recited my latest terror to Dr. Richards. The room was silent and I knew she was thinking, choosing her words carefully, like she always did. Depending on how cryptic her message, the longer it might take her to come up with what she wanted to say.

“Shi,” Dr. Richards sighed and I knew she was going to tell me to ‘let it go’. “I’m not going to tell you to let it go.” Damn, guess I was wrong. “But,” she sighed again. 

I knew she was trying to look for another way to say, ‘let it go’, especially since she just told me she wasn’t gon’ say it.

I’d come clean with Dr. Richards and told her everything, even the little thing. In addition, she took it like a trooper as usual; she didn’t judge me. She’d been real patient with me and I knew watching me kill myself from within was hurting her. But what could I do?

“Here,” Dr. Richards said, handing me an opened envelope. 

It was from T-money, well John—my dad. He’d been sending me plane tickets with each new letter. Now that my mail was being forwarded, all the letters were coming to Dr. Richards’ house. I looked down at the envelope as she asked, “Have you thought about it?”

I’d been busy and I so didn’t know what I was going to say to him; I didn’t even know how I felt about him and the past and present situation. In other words, I have my daddy issues.

I shook my head and felt tired all of a sudden. I wasn’t ready and she knew it.

“Okay then, come on,” she said, standing up. I looked up at her, confused. “Get dressed,” Dr. Richards said. “Meet me downstairs and leave that gun.” She pointed at the nightstand. 

“Where are we going?” I asked, struggling to get untangled from the sheets. “Dr. Richards,” I called, getting out of the bed and following her behind her in silence. I knew she heard me calling her.

“Dr. Richards—Oh, hey Shi,” I heard the familiar voice say while I was following Dr. Richards into the living room.

I stopped in my tracks and then slowly turned around. Amekia was standing in the hallway with a big smile. She came up and gave me a big hug.  “Amekia? What—”

I turned into the living room and my eye bulged. Bags and suitcases were everywhere and so were people. 

Diamond, Ra’Nee, and Dr. Richards were in the living room talking. When they saw me, everyone smiled as Ra’Nee and Diamond rushed me with hugs and kisses.

“Bitch, where yo’ ass been?” Ra’Nee yelled in my ear by way of greeting.

“I miss you…” Diamond started.

I guess my face spoke for me, because Dr. Richards said, “Go get packed; we’re going on a retreat.” I looked around the room, and then back at Dr. Richards as she said, “Just us girls.”

Chapter 7

Dr. Richards must have thought she was being funny. Or, shall I say she was trying to cure me as usual. I knew it was gon’ be some bull when I asked where we were going and I was given evasive answers. 

Dr. Richards told me, “Just go pack.”

Amekia, who would usually slip up and tell me, was enjoying the fact that it was supposed to be a surprise.

Diamond just straight out lied to me. “Girl, I don’t know. They just told me to pack my shit like they told you. And it’s free, so I didn’t ask no questions.”

And I have no idea why I even tried Ra’Nee.

“You’ll see when you get there, with yo’ nosey ass.”

I knew there was a reason for all the secrecy and I knew that reason I was not going to like. 

When we got to the airport, I still had no idea where we were going, until our flight started boarding. The tickets were kept from me and we walked around the airport aimlessly, visiting the overpriced little shops in there. 

I knew they were stalling, because those big bitches didn’t wanna do all that walking. Though all the secrecy was annoying me, I had to admit, it kept my mind off Vicky. I hadn’t once thought about her triflin’ ass, and that’s something, just to go cold turkey when the thought of someone consumed your life. When someone is your every thought, to not think about them is, well, a relief. 

“Okay,” Dr. Richards voiced, checking the time on her phone. My heart began pounding, but I tried my best to let go. 

I guess Dr. Richards was just that damn good. I was at the point of just giving up and deciding that I just needed to trust her. 

“Cover her eyes,” Amekia said, and I sighed. I was going to protest, but I promised to trust and that’s what I was going to do.

I closed my eyes and then felt Amekia’s warm hands cover them.

“This is so unnecessary,” I said, trying to hide my smile. We walked awkwardly and made so much noise that I’m surprised they didn’t put us out. I must have looked ridiculous, trying to get to the terminal with Amekia on the side of me. 

My hidden smile soon turned to an easy giggle and then a laugh with the rest of my posse. We laughed and laughed; it was the first time I laughed in a long time. Well, a genuine laugh. 

I missed it. I missed laughing and I missed being happy. I missed my friends, my girls. They always knew what to do to make me feel better. I felt good and knew that nothing would be able to ruin this feeling. 

Dr. Richards is right, I do need this, I thought as we got to the gate. 

“Okay, we’re here,” Amekia said, with her hands still covering my eyes. “Ready… One…”

I laughed at Amekia’s corny ass trying to steady my breathing. I took in slow, deep breaths, feeling the suspense building. 

“Okay, if we could get away with getting you past our first layover without you hearing where we were going, we wouldn’t tell you,” Amekia said.

“Right, because yo’ ass need to just sit back and ride. Ain’t like you paying fo’ shit,” Ra’Nee said loudly in my ear.

I smiled, feeling my body tingle from excitement. 

“Put your hands out,” Amekia laughed and I did. I felt a little packet of paper slide into my hands and my heart nearly did a double beat. My breathing was bugging out, so I decided just to take in a slow, deep drag of air. 

“Two…”

I was ready to exhale as Amekia said, “Three,” and removed her hands from my eyes. 

 Excitedly, I looked down and saw our destination. 

It was a total out-of-body experience I was having. It felt like I was floating and everything was moving in slow motion. 

Amekia, Diamond and Ra’Nee were jumping around and dancing; looking like damn fools at the front of our gate. 

Dr. Richards was standing still behind me, watching me. I knew she knew what she was doing.

And I, well, I was just standing there looking down at my plane ticket.

Chapter 8

Jamaica.

We were on a trip, which included a plane switch at San Francisco International. 

She knows what she’s doing.

I couldn’t believe it. 

The girls were so happy to be getting what I could only assume as an all-expense paid trip to Jamaica that they did not care for my reaction. I stood still as they ran to the boarding desk. The only reason I moved was because Dr. Richards pushed me forward. She pushed me past the woman who grabbed my ticket out of my hand with some type of greeting that I ignored. 

“She’s so excited about going to Jamaica,” Dr. Richards lied from behind me. The woman’s expression was one of humored excitement. 

“First time?” the old looking, red-faced, boarding lady with the leathery skin asked.

“No, she’s been before,” Dr. Richards said, moving me out the way and handing the lady her boarding pass. 

“Well, Jamaica is a beautiful island,” she said, confused as she handed Dr. Richards back her pass.

“You should have seen her the first time,” Dr. Richards said with a little humor. I knew she had no idea what she was talking about. She had not been there the first time I went to Jamaica. 

Nope, I thought as I felt Dr. Richards guide me by the small off my back like a small child. 

Oh no, she wasn’t there. She ain’t ready for the journey she was making me relive. 

I swear I saw myself flinch, as Sheisty Shi looked left and right for the gun she’d left in the trunk of the car in one of my carry ons.

 Chapter 9

Three months ago…

I was sitting on Virgin Airlines France, where I was going to be transferring to a flight straight into Lagos. Lagos is a state in Nigeria. Pronounced like Vegas with an “L”, Lagos is the equivalent to New York in size and business. 

Though New York didn’t really tickle my fancy, I liked Lagos. I guess it was the fact that I felt like the air was purer; though humid, purer.

I walked slowly off the plane, looking around. The first thing that happened when I walked off the ramp, was that I saw smiling black faces everywhere, as the most beautiful flight attendant directed us in a soothing tongue I didn’t understand. 

I was in awe as I walked through Murtala Muhammed International, looking around. I was turning around in circles. I mean, this place was so beautiful: so much so that I was heading headfirst towards a pillar. I pivoted but I was too late. I clipped the pillar and dropped my phone and passport. I quickly bent down to pick them up, but before I could go for them, they were snatched up. 

I’d heard stories about Africa and the thievery; I’m talking kids picking pockets kinda stuff. And if kids pick pockets, then I am sure they would most definitely swipe something off the ground. 

I looked up ready to give chase. I was fixed to drop everything I had just to go after the two things I dropped. I stopped in my tracks when I looked up.

“You dey fine,” a plump old lady said, handing me my phone and passport. 

I was confused, or, shall I say, mesmerized. I stood there staring at her. Her ebony face seem to glow under the large headpiece she was wearing. It was a bright yellow that was almost gold. Her ears were adorned with a large single silver bead matching the necklace she wore of like beads. She had on what I can only describe as a beautiful pajama set. I knew it was some type of traditional clothing and it was the fact that I wasn’t sure that disturbed me. 

The cream and gold in her traditional top and bottom seemed like it was spun of pure silk.

“You dey fine,” she repeated.

“Huh?” I said, confused. I knew she was speaking a different language, but it felt as if I should have understood her. It was weird.

“You dey fine,” she repeated again.

“Oh, um, I’m sorry, I-I-I don’t speak African,” I said slowly.

“Well, then, it is a good thing that I am not speaking… ‘African’, as you called it,” she said in a heavily accented tongue.

“Huh?” I said again, confused at the way she switched languages on me.

“English must not be your first language.”

“Why you say that?” I asked, looking at her beaming, smiling face that wasn’t really smiling. It was like she was hiding a smile, a joke she knew that she wouldn’t tell.

“You didn’t recognize it.”

 Every word she spoke seemed over-enunciated. Her English was on point, minus the accent.

“I was speaking to you in a form of English we use in Nigeria,” she explained. “It’s called Pidgin or broken English, just like you do in America. You are American?”

“Yes,” I responded.

“I believe what you American’s would call it is Ebonics. So maybe Nigerian Ebonics?”

“Oh,” I said, wondering why I was getting a lesson in English from an elderly Nigerian woman who, more than likely has only seen America on a map.

“Just watch out with that, someone might take offense.” Like I care, I thought. “So, what brings you home?” she asked and I snapped back to my mission. I reached out and grabbed my phone and passport from her. 

“I’m looking for someone and you just reminded me, I have to go. I’m in a hurry,” I told her not wanting to be rude, but needing to find Vicky.

“Oh, no problem, maybe I’ll be able to show you around,” she said, with a smile.

“Okay,” I said, looking around, now getting back to action, getting back into beast mode. I was walking away when I heard her call me.

“Aye!”

I turned around surprised by her choice of words.

“I am Mrs. Omotola,” she said, introducing herself.

“Scheyenne,” I said, feeling that I needed to give her my full name instead of my nickname. 

I was wondering what she was thinking about us African Americans and our names. And apparently our rudeness, because I was walking off again.

Africa ain’t ready for Shi, I thought walking out into the humid, clear, fresh heat of the unforgiving Nigerian sun, thinking I might have spoken too soon.

Chapter 9

“…Shi!”

I turned around and looked at Dr. Richards, who, like Amekia, Diamond and Ra’Nee, was staring at me. I guessed I’d zoned out again, because I had no idea what the hell was going on or what we were talking about. I guess, I…

And there was the problem. 

Okay, it started when Dr. Richards brought me down this dark path. It was as if with each step I took towards the plane, the past months didn’t so much flash past; instead, they enveloped me. 

The muscles that were loose and limber moments before, were now winding so tightly that my muscles ached with every breath I took. 

Each and every step brought my senses alive, infusing them with fight. Each step I took towards the plane brought back smells of the fresh Atlantic Ocean. Each step brought back memories of dark, beautiful faces. 

Had I not been so obsessed with looking for Vicky, I might have had fun. I might have been able to relax and let my hair down. I would have been able to enjoy my people and their culture. 

With each step, my heart began to beat strangely and my lungs restricted. By the time I sat down in our first class seats, I’d been completely immersed in my past. 

We’d been in Jamaica for two days. I’d been massaged, rubbed, and felt up by God knows how many fine-ass Jamaican niggas with long dreads, sexy accents and bodies that’ll make you wet. Yet and still, it wasn’t doing it for me; my body was there, but my mind was…

Away?

Chapter 10

Raja sat in his BMW, feenin’ for a blunt. He watched the streets in front of the fortress-like estate in Atherton. He could not see the place from the streets, because of the large, thick wall-like bushes surrounding it. 

The entrance was a set of steel gates, held up by a fence lost somewhere in the middle of the bushes. The quiet community of Atherton and its maze-like streets made it the perfect hideout.

Raja heard the engine of a car before he saw the headlights. He opened the door, thinking of Sin. They were the closest in age. She was the baby; born a year after him. They used to be so close, before and after she came to California. 

Until she vanished. She stopped calling, stopped answering the phone; she was gone and Raja had no idea where she went or where to look for her. All he knew was the Bay Area and all he had was a name.

Spin.

Raja tried to round up their older brothers for help, but got nothing. The streets would talk, but not to someone from out of town. Not being from California was a huge disadvantage. When he came to look for her in California, he was lost and sure his sister was either dead or in jail.

All he found out was that Spin was a drug lord whose empire was the Bay Area.

Less than a month before he’d come to California, Spin and associates had been taken down, so he knew he wasn’t going to get anything from them. He couldn’t find them. Before going home, he did all he could to find out where the state and or federal government had his sister. However, all the calling in the world wouldn’t help him find her. He couldn’t even find a lawyer able to do anything, even with the money he offered. She’d vanished and he was the only one of his brothers and probably in the world that cared.

It was only after nine long months that his nightmare ended. She called him…

Never did he get an answer to what happened to her or where she’d been, but whatever happened had her acting different; made her different.

Raja closed the car door just as the black Aston Martin glided to a stop on the other side of the road. The car turned off and the door slid up smoothly. As another vehicle approached in the distance Raja watched his sister, wearing all black as usual, climb out. Just as the door closed, an SUV stopped behind the Aston Martin.

Raja lifted an eyebrow and reached for his gun. A light-skinned man hopped out as his sister walked towards him, unfazed.

“What’s this?” Raja asked as she approached him, pulling on a pair of black gloves.

It was only supposed to be the two of them. They didn’t need any help.

The light-skinned man joined them. Raja scanned his face and remembered him. Swift. 

“Let’s go,” Sin said, walking onto the property.

The gates were opened.

Swift and Raja hustled to keep up with her retreating form. Her heels clicked and crunched against the gravel.

“Sin,” Raja said, once he was next to her.

She acted as if she didn’t hear him as they walked up the path to the double doors. She pushed the doorbell several times and then began to knock loudly.

“Change of plan,” she said, reaching into a shoulder holster hidden under the trench coat she was wearing. 

Raja looked at Swift, who stood on the other side of Sin. He looked at Raja, then focusing his attention on Sin, shrugged with his gun already in his hand.

Lights were turned on and the sound of locks clicking could be heard. The door opened a few seconds later, very slowly. An Asian woman in a bathrobe appeared, looking tired and confused. Fear registered on her face as soon as she saw Sin and the two black men at her door.

“Can I help you?” she asked in a very American voice, which seemed creepy coming from her.

“As a matter of fact you can,” Sin said, pointing her Glock in the woman’s face. “First you can invite us in, and then you can tell us how many people are home.” Chapter 11

“Shi?”

I looked up across the round table we were seated at and smiled at Dr. Richards. She had me all types of messed up. In my dreams, this is where I killed Vicky. This is where she ran and was hiding; here in Jamaica. 

Coincidence?

Naw, I knew Dr. Richards chose this place on purpose be—

“Shi!”

See I’d done it again.

We were having lady drinks on the beach outside the resort. 

“I’m okay, I was just, just…” I couldn’t think of anything. “…day dreaming?”

Yeah, I made it sound like a question. I wasn’t sure what had been happening myself. 

“Bitch you lyin’,” Re-Nee said.

“What? I—”

Ra’Nee pointed a finger at me and leaned in and said, “Don’t get yanked.”

I laughed, “Yanked?”

“Yeah bitch, Y, A, anked. You know when you do something wrong and yo’ momma yank yo’ ass?” she said, making a snatching motion with her hand.

We all shared a laugh, and then I said, “I’m sorry y’all. I’m good now, I’ll…” I knew I was about to make a promise I might not be able to keep. And I felt bad about that. I mean, here I was in a two-piece on a beach in Jamaica with the people I loved, stressin’ off Vicky and bringing them down in the process. I’d been fight mode; on high alert. I was looking over my shoulder and behind my back. I was scanning crowds and faces everywhere, instead of enjoying the beautiful scenery. “I’ll be good. I’ll—”

“Unwind,” Amekia cut in.

“Have fun,” Diamond said.

“Chill,” Ra’Nee butted in.

“Relax,” Dr. Richards, the last to speak, said. Everyone was looking at me as I looked off, not wanting to look at them. “Breathe?” 

I looked at Dr. Richards, so not ready for the therapy session I knew this was. I mean, come on, I’d rather have fun. I didn’t want to be sitting there in hell tormented with Vicky.

“Breathe Shi,” Dr. Richards said, in a sincere tone.

I knew she didn’t just mean physically, but, hell, I could do one and hopefully fake the other, if it’d make them happy. I closed my eyes, while taking in a deep breath of fresh island air. I planned to hold it for a second, just like she’d taught me in our sessions and then let it out, slowly. But that ain’t what happened.

“Excuse me,” a voice said, just as I finished inhaling deeply. Reflexively, my eyes opened as the air was being subconsciously pushed out of my lungs. 

 What I saw when I focused, froze my brain and stopped my breath.

Chapter 12

Standing in front of me was a five foot ten inch God. Yes, God, with the capital G ‘n’ all. He was dark chocolate with a bald head. His muscular, cut up body was the furthest from the type I liked, because of how swoll he was. He was giving me Tyrese with a big chest and abs. Oh, and minus that nasty belly piercing. 

As I sat there holding my breath like a damn fool, I was trying to imagine the blood red and white Hawaiian style swim trunks were gone. All the while I kept telling myself, breathe.

It wasn’t until Amekia elbowed me in the ribs that I gasped and began breathing again. I know, hella embarrassing. 

He smiled and if I hadn’t seen one of them Jamaicans before, his straight white teeth would have been a complete shock to me.

“Excuse me ladies,” he said, and I willed myself not to cum. His voice was deep, raspy, and real smooth. Oh, you had to hear it. And he didn’t sound like the other Island niggas. No, he sounded, like… normal. You know, like a regular ole black nigga. “I’m sorry to interrupt you beautiful young ladies—”

“Oh, don’t be, we don’t mind,” Ra’Nee said, adjusting her one-piece and lifting her breasts up.

He smiled, “Well, I been watching—”

“—me, yes, I know,” Ra’Nee said. “I was just wondering when you was gon’ come over here and speak, I—”

“Girl hush up and let him finish,” Dr. Richards laughed and everyone joined in with her, except for me. “Go on young man.”

“I was just wondering; if it’s all right with all of you, if I introduce myself?” Between Amekia squeezing my hand and Dr. Richards, Ra’Nee and Diamond’s dreamy-eyed looks, the nigga had to be feeling conceited and confident now, if he wasn’t before that is. “My name is Josh,” he said.

I wasn’t really paying him any attention. I was staring off to the side, trying to make sure he knew I was not interested though everyone else was. 

Diamond was the first to speak. 

“Diamond,” she said in her cigarette-strained voice.

Josh nodded with a smile. I give him his props, because if he knew Diamond was a man, he kept his face straight. 

“I’m Ra’Nee; you can call me Ree-Ree, Nee-Nee or Wife,” Ra’Nee said, with a shrug getting everyone but me to laugh again.

“I’m Ebony,” Dr. Richards said and then noticing my rude silence and Amekia’s shy silence, decided to introduce us. “That’s Amekia.” Amekia gave a nervous smile. “And that’s—”

“Niema,” I said, cutting Dr. Richards off.

Chapter 13

Everyone’s head shot towards me.

I looked at Ra’Nee first, knowing her ass would be the first to bust me out while the nigga was still standing there. Before she could open her mouth, I gave her the evil eye. You know the one yo’ momma use to give you when you did something and y’all was around people and she didn’t wanna act black? Yeah, that one. And that shit worked.

“Niema?” Dr. Richards said, slowly raising her eyebrow with a smile.

“Niema,” Josh said, letting the name play in his mouth and then roll off his tongue. It took him saying my name for me to hear a hint of an accent.

“Nice to meet you,” Dr. Richards said, still smiling as she tried to change the subject.

“Nice to meet you too, so how are you ladies doing?” he asked.

“Good, just enjoying your beautiful island,” Amekia said, warming to his presence.

“This isn’t my island,” Josh smiled. “I’m not even Jamaican.”

Amekia would have been blood red if her skin tone permitted.

“Really? Where are you from?” Dr. Richards asked. “I knew you didn’t sound like a native.”

“California, it’s in the United States,” he said.

“Really? We are too, where?”

“Los Angeles,” he answered. “Just here on vacation.”

He was lying. What niggas do y’all know who just up and take vacations to Jamaica? Think about it… yeah. The only niggas that up and take vacations like that is the ones who got ‘IT’ like that, and I had no doubt in my mind that if he didn’t have ‘IT’ like that, he didn’t get ‘IT’ legally. I mean, sure, there were other reasons he could be vacationing in Jamaica, but, he said it as if he vacationed in exotic places all the time. And I was damn sure the nigga wasn’t from no rich family. I don’t know; it was just the look of him. So…

“Oh, well we’re from California also.”

“Really? Where?”

“I’m originally from Los Angeles also, but I’ve been in Bakersfield for years now,” Dr. Richards explained.

“And we’re from the Bay, hey!” Ra’Nee voiced.

“The Bay Area? Okay, I’ve only been out there once, when I was younger,” Josh volunteered. 

“Why don’t you pull up a seat?” Dr. Richards said and I sighed loudly, just to be rude. 

I really didn’t have an idea why I was getting annoyed, but I was. Josh looked back at the hotel and I was hoping his hesitation was because of my rude demeanor.

“I’d love to ladies, but I have to go. Hopefully the offer will still stand for later,” he said with a smile.

“Yeah, we can’t just sit here talking’ to y’all all day. Let’s go, boo,” Ra’Nee said, getting up. 

Josh laughed, “Later ladies.”

Everyone said, “Later,” except me.

“I’ll see you later, Niema,” he said, letting his mouth play with my name again before turning around and walking off.

I didn’t read too much into or think too much of him saying, bye, to me personally and by name, but apparently Dr. Richards, and the other ladies  did, because as soon as he walked off, all eyes were on me.

“Niema?” Dr. Richards asked.

“Yeah, Ni-E-Ma!” Amekia said.

I did not feel like explaining the reason I lied about my name, mainly because there was no reason I lied. I was just being a bitch and I damn sho’ didn’t want to get into the reasoning behind why he was staring at me throughout the entire conversation that I didn’t participate in. Hell, I’d ignored the fact that the man was eye-fucking me and flirting with his eyes. I’d even ignored that his obvious motive for coming over was interest in me. I ignored it, because I hoped no one else saw it; that way, it would mean that it was all in my head.

They all stared at me, waiting for an explanation, so, I did what anyone would do in the classic Shi, I mean, Niema manner. 

I tapped into my inner white girl and with a huff; I grabbed my glasses, pushed away from the table and stormed off in a puff.

Chapter 14

After my white girl temper tantrum, I decided to play nice. And believe me, it was a challenge; it was physically draining to fake sunshine in the rain. 

It was our fourth day in Jamaica, and we’d been snorkeling and scuba diving all in one day. We had no time to sleep or rest, because of all the things we were doing. At the end of each day, jet lag was still kicking our ass and we were exhausted.

But tired as I was, sleep just wasn’t fuckin’ with me. Dr. Richards, Amekia, Diamond and Ra’Nee were out cold in our suite. I lay there, restless, tossing and turning, thinking about the familiar sights. I lie there, reliving my steps around the island as I searched for Vicky. I continued to toss and turn, until I just couldn’t take it. I slipped into some boy shorts, draped a see-through shawl over my shoulders and slipped out the room.

I walked silently down the brightly decorated hall and to the elevator. I took it down to the fourth floor, which housed the lounge and the ballroom.

I pulled on one of the large double doors and it slid open silently. I slid inside just as silently as the door opened and closed it behind me. The room was dark. The only light came from the moon, shining in through the opened balcony. The moon drew me like a moth to a flame. I couldn’t understand how Dr. Richards would tell me not to hold it all inside, yet not ask me to let it go. 

What else was I supposed to do?

How could I do that? How could I not let go and yet not hold it all inside?

I was a mess. Everywhere we went, I was looking for Vicky. I kept a gun, which for the right price, is not that hard to find in Jamaica. I was too preoccupied, searching for a bitch I knew I would never find; a bitch I knew I would never see again. 

When I was searching for Vicky, Dr. Richards told me, “Shi, just let it go.”

I was so lost. She was confusing me. 

I remembered something Dr. Richards had told me a long time ago and slowed to a stop. She’d told me that the only person hurt by a grudge is the person holding it. Me. And she was right. I mean, that bitch Vicky was probably gone, living it up and here I was, imprisoned by my rage.

I continued to walk on my way to a breakthrough, but something, everything was keeping me from it. I walked out onto the balcony into the warm air. With an exhausted sigh, I leaned on the wall and looked out. Even at night when you could barely see, Jamaica was beautiful.

A piano began playing and I looked around the balcony, heart racing. My hand went behind me to where my gun should have and would have been. A million things were going through my mind. I’d been slippin’ and looking around, seeing no one, I realized I was still trippin’. As my heart calmed down from the scare of a war I ain’t never been in, I noticed the piano was coming from inside the ballroom. I stepped inside and searched the room. I could see the piano’s shadow and the outline of someone sitting at it. I stood there hoping they didn’t see me come in, and I was wondering if I would be able to sneak out.

I’d mustered up the courage to try to leave, when a voice began to sing.

Chapter  15

“She, said that, she’d, take it off right here,

take it off right now,

give him back his ring and stay with me…”

I knew who it was from jump, though I’d never heard the song before. I’d know Ne-Yo’s voice anywhere.

“She must think, that’s what I want to hear,

as good as it may sound,

I know myself and that can’t be.”

Hell, for a moment, I thought it was actually him. But when I listened closer, I could hear the instrumental in the background of the track. Whoever it was at the piano was playing along.

“And I didn’t feel bad about it ‘til right then,

had to remind her that we were just pretend…”

I was listening to the lyrics as I moved closer to the piano. I always just listened to his lyrics and went into a zone. I was mesmerized; y’all know how much I love the nigga.

“I said baby I want you,

but he needs you.

Stay with the real thing,

I’ll never love you like him.

See, I only want you,

but he needs you.

Stay with the real thing, stay with the real thing, stay with your man…”

The song was beautiful and although I hadn’t been in the situation per se, it made me wanna…cry. I mean, for a man to tell you that: to stay with the real thing and be considerate enough, to love you enough to tell you to stay with the real thing, because he can’t love you right…

“Here comes the tears

(Here comes the tears),

baby please don’t cry

(don’t cry),

I thought you knew what this was…”

When I was within ten feet of the piano, the player looked up and stopped playing. Josh reached for the little iPod station, but I shook my head and he let it play.

“Baby never could I take the place of your husband,

(no),

but we’ll always be friends,

(yeah),

baby we shouldn’t have become lovers,

and I didn’t feel bad about it ‘til right then…”

As I listened to the bridge and the chorus again, I stood at the piano both hands planted on top, staring at his iPod Touch. I was watching it as if I could see something other than the black screen.

“Hey, he’s got love for you forever!

Why can’t you see?

Here with me won’t be better!

Oh, ‘cause I only want you.

But he needs you.

Stay with the real thing.

I’ll never love you like him…”

As Ne-Yo hit riffs and high notes, it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

King! 

Before I came back into his life, he had a family; he was getting married until I came back. If he’d stayed with his baby’s momma; the real thing…

It was my fault.

“Play it again,” I said, in a voice barely above a whisper. He did and I listened with my mind wandering; my conscience doing a number on me. I didn’t notice Josh’s arms around me; I was too numb with my newfound realization. Not even the tears streaming down my face were felt.

The physical was nothing I tell you; nothing to the feel of that one thing sharp enough to penetrate a callous heart.

Chapter 16

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it one-moe-gen, grief is a strange thing. One word, one moment, one…anything can trigger it all.

I knew I hadn’t grieved for King or our child. Hell, I didn’t even get a chance to see or hold my baby. But it didn’t matter. I felt responsible for King’s death; the song made me realize that and once I realized that…I felt responsible for my baby’s death; the whole nine.

After I got done crying on this man’s shoulder; this man who I was totally rude to and lied to about my name, we sat on the piano bench in silence; me feeling stupid. I began pressing keys, knowing his ass was wondering what the hell my problem was and I felt like I needed to explain. I opened my mouth, not knowing what to say, when he spoke.

“You probably never heard that song before, because it wasn’t on any album—”

“Ne-Yo,” I said in a small voice.

“How’d you know?”

I shrugged, “I love Ne-Yo.” There was no emotion or enthusiasm there.

“What!”

I turned to see those big strong teeth and rolled my eyes.

“You heard me,” I said.

“Shit, Ne-Yo go,” he said and I felt a little warmer. I mean, I done cried and now I was talking about Ne-Yo with another fellow fan.

“I know, he…” I stopped. I was about to say he’d sung at my wedding. I guess I was feeling a need to brag. We lapsed into silence and I knew he was waiting for me to finish my sentence.

The silence was very awkward and uncomfortable.

“So, now that we have one thing in common,” Josh said, and I turned to look at him. He shrugged, “Just trying to start conversation.”

“I’m sorry, it’s, look,” I sighed. It was time for me to be real with this sexy ass nigga. “I got my hands full as you can tell and a dude and sex is the furthest thing from my mind, not to mention you’re nowhere near my type, so—”

“You wanna do something fun?”

I was stuck. I mean, damn, was I just talking to myself? I mean, even if I was, did he just interrupt my monologue? How rude, shit; the nigga coulda said, “excuse me”.

I opened my mouth, searching for a response when he got up and said, “Come on.”

And just like that, a repressed memory hit me. I was standing in a Mountain View movie theater, looking into the green eyes of the love of my life. It was our first date and we were standing by the exit door. “You trust me?” he asked. I’d barely known him and everything in my mind and body told me, screamed at me, not to go. But I ignored my home training and my better judgment. I ignored my common sense and left with him.

Just like in that time and place everything screamed, “No!”

 Hell, my brain shut my body down so that he had to grab my hand and pull me off the bench. Halfway to the door is when my brain began working, but just like at the Mountain View movie theater, I overrode my brain’s good sense and began following him. The only difference is then my excuse was I was a child. I was prone to mistakes and bad decisions.

Now?

I had no excuse for following this stranger through the hotel, out into the night and onto the beach.

Chapter 17

We walked in silence as he looked around as if we were sneaking and about to do something wrong. And that shit was odd. We were two, grown ass adults

What were we sneaking for?

This nigga was making me nervous.

I mean, we weren’t doing anything wrong…

Unless…

I began to wonder if just maybe he was planning to kill and or rape me; and his looking around was making sure there were no witnesses. I mean his alibi would be the ballroom; he was in the ballroom playing the piano. Something he might have done since he started his vacation. And that’s when I realized he left his iPod behind.

Before I could finish working myself up and preparing for survival mode, we were standing on a dock-like thingy on the beach. I was too confused to think of the logical; he brought me there, so he wouldn’t have to carry my body after he killed me. He probably disposed of all his bodies there.

OMG! How many women has he done this too? Was he some type of woman’s serial killer?

But the beautiful sight kept all my negative thoughts at bay. 

We were a good twenty feet out and the view was beautiful. The view was amazing; the way the moon reflected off the clear water.

“You know how to swim right?”

I turned to him as he took off the Hawaiian shirt he was wearing.

“Yeah?” I said, unsure if I should answer. I had been so captivated by the thought of him naked; it froze all train of thoughts.

He dropped his shirt and then took off his wife beater and I forgot to even ask why he asked. 

“Well come on,” he said, turning around as he pulled his trunks and underwear down in one swoop, ran towards the end of the dock and jumped into the water, butt-ass naked. 

Yes, naked!

I was just as shocked as you and I knew my face showed it. I stared after him and when his head broke the surface of the water, I couldn’t help but throw out a nervous laugh. A laugh I used to cover up the fact that he had my face flamed up. 

“Come on,” I heard him yell.

In the moon’s light, I could only see his white teeth. I looked around to see no one outside. This nigga wanted me to—

“Come on Niema,” he called. 

Niema? What did he just…

A bitch almost got caught up; I forgot I lied about my name.

Why?

I had no idea.

“Come on, have a little fun,” he yelled from the water.

“Come on!” I heard repeatedly in my head.

Why not?

“Come on, have a little fun.”

I was in Jamaica, right?

I needed to let loose, right?

O.M.G!

I could not believe I was considering this. But, there was no time or consideration; I had already dropped the shawl. He dunked his head underwater and I took it as he was giving me some privacy. I hurried out of my boy shorts and panties with a racing heart. I quickly pulled my baby-tee off, and I, Niema, jumped my naked ass into the water.

Chapter 18

Two hours after I jumped out of Scheyenne and into Niema, we were sneaking out of the water and onto the dock where we had left our clothes. 

Had it not been for Josh buggin’, I’d still have been in that water, letting my cares float away. When I jumped off the dock, it was like I were letting go. The short time I fell through the air seemed a little too long. Nevertheless, there I was, falling freely and it felt good. The warm, crisp, night air kept me in a sense of suspended euphoria until the water woke all my senses, refreshing me and waking up Niema.

When I emerged out of the water, I was a totally new person. I guess the waters of Jamaica does that to people. I mean, look at How Stella Got Her Groove Back.  Terry McMillan had Stella doing all types of stuff with a young buck. 

We took the walk back to the hotel, not quite cold, but wet. The air in Jamaica wouldn’t permit us to be cold nor freeze. The air was just there and still. I didn’t need it, but Josh put his Hawaiian shirt around me. All it did was cover my hard nipples, which I let do what they do freely. 

When we reached the lobby, he damn near snatched his jacket off me. I looked up at him and noticed he was looking around the lobby. 

What kinda bullshit is this?

I mean he ain’t killed me, so what was he acting all nervous for? Unless, the nigga had people out looking for him. 

But, all the way in Jamaica?

All my senses told me that I needed to leave this man alone. And this time, my heart couldn’t take anymore of whatever it’s been through. 

I opened my mouth to thank him, but before I could, he spoke.

“Okay, I’m going to go back up to the ballroom; hopefully my iPod is still there,” he said, looking down at a large watch on his wrist.

How the hell did I miss that? I wondered, checking out his watch from afar.  Before I could say anything, he was gone and I was waving at a retreating back. 

Alone, wet, nipples on flight, I looked around the lobby. The only person there was a Jamaican woman at the desk, who did not hide her nosiness. I wanted to reach up and cover myself, but instead, Niema held her head up high and strutted towards the elevator. I left a trail of water behind me as I waited and then got on the elevator. 

I was so relieved when it got there and I was inside with the doors closed. I rode the elevator up with thoughts of the night I’d just had. I shook any thought of anything, but a skinny dip with Josh out of my head. There was something going on there that I didn’t like and that needed to be heeded. And I was.

My train of thought got me to our door with my hand on the knob. 

Now how the hell was I gonna explain this? I thought, looking down at the clothes clinging to my body. The only thing dripping was my hair, which when you go natural— Girl, I can just not give a damn like now. Okay, yeah, I still had some perm up in there, because I wasn’t crazy enough to chop it all off, but I clipped my ends. So, in like another thirty or so years… Right. I’m gon’ be a little old woman with a nice crop of hair. 

Anywho, the downside of being natural was I knew that the front of my hair looked like a mini fro. I had the rest of my hair in a ponytail, which had been pressed before I jumped off the dock. 

I reached back to feel what was left of my pony. It was a soft puff of hair. I knew I looked a mess. Throwing my wet shawl around my shoulders, I decided to stop trippin’, stop stressin’.

They wanted me to have fun, I did.

I fished my room key out of my wet pocket, hoping that it worked. It would be just my luck if I was locked out of our room with no identification…

I pushed the key in the door, it beeped lightly and my lungs released a sigh of relief. I pulled the key out and slowly turned the knob. There was a click as the lock caught. I stopped; I could imagine pushing the door open and Dr. Richards sitting there in the dark, waiting for me like a worried mother. 

Shit, I did just disappear for like three hours.

What was I going to say? I thought, standing outside the door. I was stuck. If I told them that I just went out for a swim, they would either think I was lying or commit me. 

I could already imagine the questions and conversation. 

Bitch, you grown!

Niema pushed the door open and let it close on its own. We walked into the room and looked around. It was dark, but the light from the moon gave enough for me to make out the forms of Dr. Richards and Amekia, still in the same spots they were in when I snuck out. I walked to Dr. Richards and my room. I didn’t need to open the door to hear Diamond’s snores. She was dead to the world.

I walked in, not even bothering to be silent. I went to the bathroom after stripping at the door. 

Niema looked out of the mirror at me with a smile that looked inviting and fun. The flirty look on her face made it unrecognizable. Shaking my head and disregarding the mad woman look I had, I jumped into the shower.

And, my previous assessment proved to be right.  My shower with Niema was the most fun and inviting shower I’d had in a long time and it left me smiling as I dried off.

The smile stayed on my face all the way to the bed, where I got in without bothering to put anything on. I let the silk sheets tickle my skin. I let it play across my body as I played with it moving around under the covers.

I guess living with Diamond had conditioned me, because her snores from the other bed didn’t bother me in the least as I relived my night. 

I was standing on the dock as my shawl blew lightly in the wind. I looked down at Josh who was waving, beckoning to me from below. I slowly take off my clothes and let the soft wind carry them away. In the version in my head, I dived into the water, and then into sleep and my dreams, peacefully.

Chapter 19

I knew I was dreaming, not because I couldn’t feel the water I was floating in. That is a good indicator, but I was thinking more of the fact that in the water, I could hear and occasionally see.

I was swimming up towards the top of the water looking around. I couldn’t find Josh, but I knew where up was because of the light shining down.

“Let it go!”

“We will never be apart…as long as you have my heart.”

“Nothing is free…”

Just like I normally did when faced with my past, I did all I could to get away from it. I kicked and swam like crazy towards the light; towards the surface.

I swam up past visions of my past until the clear waters began to vanish. My chest started to get tight and I began to realize I was out of breath. The visions and voices began to come faster as it became harder to breathe. 

I began to panic; this was a dream, this wasn’t real. But, if that was true, then how the hell could I not breathe?

I swam up and up, away from my past. I thrust myself up out of the water and into the crisp air of…

Chapter 20

Three months ago…

Africa…

My head emerged out of the water and before I could take a breath, I saw all around me. I closed my eyes, forgetting to take a breath as I tread water in the Atlantic Ocean, with my heart pounding. I was taking in deep breaths as I looked around the dark waters. I turned to look next to me and there was a little girl, wide eyed and scared, treading water next to me. I had no idea what her name was and she had no idea who I was. 

I heard men yelling and lights flashing around. They were coming for her.

How the hell did I get myself into this? 

“Ha na-abịa! Ha na-abịa!” the little girl called in a small voice as she tugged on my sleeve barely keeping her head above the water. I reached out for her to help her above the water. “Ha na-abịa! Ha na-abịa!” she kept whining. 

“I don’t know what that means,” I said in a loud whisper as I looked around me. “They are coming!” I heard her say in English. I looked into her dark face, but couldn’t make out anything but the whites of her eyes glistening. 

How the hell did I get myself into this? I kept asking myself, knowing damn well how and why I’d gotten myself in that situation. 

Vicky…

Chapter 21

Earlier that day in Africa…

After walking out of Murtala Muhammed International Airport, it didn’t take me any time or effort to find a taxi. They were lined up along the streets, double and triple-parked. 

Before I could reach my hand up, I had several of them blowing at me and a few seemed to be getting out of their cars and running towards me. I just went with the first guy that got to me. I allowed him to take my bags, as he led me noiselessly and pridefully away. I got inside the taxi and he started to drive. 

“Whur you won go?” he said, with his yellow eyes staring at me through the rear view. 

“Take me to the nearest Sheraton Hotel,” I said, wondering if it was strange that I was starting to understand this pidgin talk.

“You just dey come here for business?”

“Yeah,” I said, not really understanding anything but business.

“Are you American?” he asked, startling me by the switch to perfect English.

“Yes,” I said, not really wanting to talk any more. I just needed to get to my room, so I could get ready to hit up the police and then the ports. If the police could not help me find my friend who I missed so much, then I’d go to the ports. That’s where she would have come in, the only way she would have gotten here without any trace. My plan was to just go down there showing her picture around. But first, I needed to get situated and most importantly find a piece. “How much is this going to be?” I was ready to get out of the car and be done with him.

“Five hundred Naira,” he said in a thick accent. 

Naira? I thought, wondering if he was speaking broken English again.

“Okay,” I said, digging into my bag and pulling out a band. 

I started counting out five hundred and fifty for his tip when I heard, “Chineke meeeeee!”

I looked up quickly at the driver, thinking he’d lost his damn mind. His yellow eyes were damn near bulging out of his head. He was staring down at my money in the mirror.

“Is this enough?”

He kept driving, but he was looking at me suspiciously. After a while of staring and me holding the money up, he nodded and said, “Okay.”

I sat back, lowered my hand and money, figuring that he wasn’t going to take it. 

I looked out the window at the scenery, the beauty of… home.

The streets were not clean, but not dirty. It was a lot; I was completely taken aback. I thought these people were living in huts and hunting for food. I only thought the ports and the airport were civil. However, I was wrong and to be honest, a little prejudiced. My people; my people had come a long way from what I pictured in my mind.

“We are here,” I heard as the car came to a smooth halt. 

 Smiling at the warm feeling inside, I took a deep breath and looked up. I handed him the money, feeling overwhelmed and confused. This place was too beautiful for me to be walking around harboring all of this hatred.

“No!” he said, shaking his head and his hands a little too dramatically if you asked me. “You need to go inside and convert your money to Naira, my dear,” he said, pointing to the large building we were parked in front of. “I’ll wait here with your things,” he said, giving me a wide, deceptively white smile…

Chapter 22

  I entered Union Bank, where I converted twenty-thousand American U.S. dollars into damn near four million Naira. I checked into the hotel, scanning all of the faces, because Sheisty Shi was out to play. After leaving some money hidden around the room, I decided to shower and change clothes. Knowing I should go and get something to eat, I didn’t; I needed to get some answers first. 

I decided to head to the ports first, before I got the police involved. I figured even if I couldn’t get answers today; I might just be able to get a gun. 

Chapter 23

The Tincan Island Port was something else. It was a little port with flea market style stores here and there. And it was busy, something I was starting to notice all of Africa was. As I walked around, I just looked; I didn’t pull out the picture of Vicky. I was feeling some type of way in my dark jeans and black baby tee. I felt as if I wasn’t dressed for the occasion. Not like I was over or even underdressed, just not dressed for the occasion.

I found myself walking around so long that the sun began to set and I hadn’t done anything. I hadn’t been looking for her, or even inquiring. I hadn’t even started looking for a gun. I was slipping because of the beauty around me.

I figured I should get to asking before it got too dark. I stayed out on the port for another three hours, just showing Vicky’s picture around. No one had seen her, but they were concerned about their sister, meaning me, out here in the motherland for the very first time, looking for her best friend. 

These people were so nice and so concerned. I was getting ready to leave the port when I heard a commotion. There were two guys in front of me going at it. The smaller one was yelling at the larger one.

“Where is she dey? Where is she dey?” yelled the smaller guy.

“I no know! I no know! Nah here she suppose dey!” the other guy yelled over and over again. 

I slowed down and tried to strain my ears to understand what they were arguing about, when I felt someone grab my hand. I started to snatch my hand away as I looked down. 

I was startled by what I saw. Now hunching behind a crate was the most beautiful little girl I’d ever seen. We looked at one another and locked eyes, as she looked up at me and then down at the picture in my hand. She pointed to the picture of Vicky.

Did she know her? Did she see her?

I reached out to show her the picture as my heart stalled.

Her face was the same color as mine, but her piercing black eyes seemed to be the lightest thing on her. The white little nightgown she had on paled in comparison to the depth of her young, scared eyes. 

“Where is she dey? Where she dey? He go kill us! She must be on the ship! He go kill us!”

She pulled back at the sound of the man’s voice. I looked behind me and then back at the girl.

“Nah here she supposed dey, I no know! I no know!”

“Go find am!” the shorter one yelled as I looked over towards them. He reached out and a little girl came from behind the black man.  She was dressed in a tee shirt and shorts.

What the hell was going on? 

I turned to look back at the little girl hiding behind the crate. She was scared and her eyes were pleading to me. I turned to look at the guys, one was walking past me. I acted as if I was looking at the picture of Vicky as he passed. The other guys stood at the edge of the dock with the other girl. 

What the hell was going on?

I turned back to the little girl. I did a quick assessment of her. She was scared out of her mind. There was no reason she should have been out here at the port in the middle of the night with no shoes and a nightgown. There was no reason that other little girl should have either, and with these grown men.

Her eyes were screaming,  “Please”. I looked at the men and then back at her and lifted my eyebrow. I was the only thing hiding her from them. She shook her head and her eyes got wide. 

I guess she'd have to explain later. I needed to get her somewhere safe and quiet, so I could figure out what she knew about the woman in the picture.

I grabbed her hand, ignoring all the people around us and began to walk. She held on to my hand tightly as we walked past. 

Oh my God, I think I'd stumbled onto a sex trafficking shipment. 

I took a deep breath and continued to walk, upset that I couldn't save the other girl. 

As we walked past the guy, I made eye contact with the little girl and she nodded. Confused, I continued to stare at her. She had a content look on her face that came with a smile as if she knew something they didn’t.

I turned and looked down at the girl at my side, and back at the girl by the man. She nodded again and I got it. I began to walk faster when a ship began to come in towards us. 

Fuck!

We so didn’t need to call any more attention to ourselves.

“Louche, dey!”

I had no idea what he yelled or said but I knew we’d been spotted. I looked down at the girl whose eyes were darting left and right. I looked around and saw the skinny, short man pointing towards us.

“Fuck!” I yelled when I saw the gun. And there I was, caught without my piece.

I was looking around for a way out, because in America, you couldn’t outrun a bullet and I didn’t want to find out if the same was true in Africa.

But before I could act I heard the shot and could have sworn I felt the bullet pass my head.

And I froze.

Chapter 24

Before I could do anything, I heard shots and I froze. However, the little girl; that smart little girl saved my life, while she tried to kill me. With strength that betrayed her little body, she pushed me and naturally, I grabbed onto her arm as I fell back. 

It all happened so fast.

We both went off the dock as the ship and its bright lights made its way into the dock. By nothing but the grace of God and a dash of luck, we were okay. We went into the water, sunk, and struggled as we tried to find one another and then up. 

As soon as my head broke the water, I heard the bullets.

Fuck! I thought as I grabbed her hand and went back underwater, not worrying about what she was wearing. 

What the fuck!

I held onto her arm for dear life and kept kicking. I kicked and kicked until I was out of breath. I came up and looked around. Her head popped up seconds after mine. She was coughing and choking. I could hear the men all around us, screaming, and yelling.

We were on the side of the boat, the side facing the Atlantic. I knew if we had a chance of escaping, then we’d have to get to the other side of the boat. Lights began to go over the water as I heard loud splashes.

Were they coming to get us?

Think! Think! Think Shi!

“Ha na-abịa! Ha na-abịa!”

It didn’t take long for me to figure out what she was saying from all of the pointing she was doing. I held onto her tight, trying to think. I didn’t come here to die, I came to find a bitch and that’s what I was going to do. 

The question was would I do it dead or alive?

I waited for the lights to get closer and put my hands to my mouth to tell her to be quiet. I signaled to tell her to hold her breath, because we were going underwater. I planned to go and swim away from the lights. I was going to try and keep one hand on the boat as I tried to navigate around it. 

Only me, only me, I kept thinking, knowing my dumb ass plan was only going to get us shot.  Then again, just sitting there doing nothing was going to be the same result. 

I needed to find Vicky and this girl was the only lead I had, since I got to Africa.

I held up five fingers so she could see, then four, then three, then two, then one and we went under slowly, just as I’m sure a light swept over us. 

I was under water for a second, when I realized that she was no longer around my neck. I looked around the dark waters, swinging my arms. I pushed away from the boat and swam down. I yelled, knowing the bubbles coming out of my mouth would never be heard. 

At that moment my air supply began to run low, I began to realize a shark might have carried her away. That was the first time the fact that sharks were in the water crossed my mind, but I didn’t care. I tried to look around a little longer and then angled myself up in defeat. 

 The surface was so far away. I couldn’t reach it, no matter how hard I kicked, no matter how fast I swam. I swam and swam, panicking as my chest began to burn. I tried to ignore it as I kept swimming up and up, to nowhere. I was swimming nowhere. I was swimming, but going nowhere. 

 Eventually, I was floating down into nothing but blackness, as my last breath escapes my lips.

Chapter 25

I awoke in my hotel bed, gasping for air with tears in my eyes. I’d lost her again; I’d lost that little girl, I’d let her go, slip right through my fingers. Though I knew the version of things I’d just seen was my imagination running wild and that the girl was perfectly fine, my heart wouldn’t accept it. It mourned for the little girl in my dreams, the little girl that lost her life, the little girl that I had, but was taken from me. The little girl that I tried to save.

That’s a little glimpse inside the deranged mind of Shi. I am a mess.

My breathing began to slow. I could feel the sweat running down my face. I wiped my tears and swallowed. The sun was shining in the room, and I couldn’t help but wonder what time it was. I turned to look at the clock, but noticed two eyes staring at me.

Ra’Nee was standing in the doorway of the bathroom with her toothbrush in her mouth. I looked at her, wondering how long she’d been there. 

I didn’t know what to say. She flipped her upper lip and said, “Bitch, you weird.” She turned and walked back into the bathroom, brushing her teeth.

Rolling my eyes, I fell back onto the pillows, mentally getting ready for my day.Chapter 25

Being Niema was so much better and easier than being Shi. I mean, Shi would never have gone skinny-dipping with a stranger; shit, she probably would have never went skinny dipping, period. 

She would not have gotten up the next day, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and ready to go, even though she hadn’t had a wink of sleep. When she was able to drift off, she was brought back to her pilgrimage, of the things she saw and the people she met. It was the dreams starting all over again, since they ran their course. 

The end was always when I killed Vicky, and then the dreams would start back up from my trip to Africa. Why there? I don’t know. 

Regardless of all that, I was still up, hyped, and pumped. 

 You bet everyone noticed; shit, I even noticed a difference in all of us. I can’t believe Shi was really bringing us down like that.

Shi wouldn’t have been so fun, so care free, so energized, so, so unapologetic. Shi wouldn’t have been truly happy. She’d always have something holding her down, holding her back. But not Niema.

Niema had not a care in the world. 

Niema was having fun with her girls. 

Niema had no stress; no worries. 

Yes, it was Niema.

Niema was the one who carried out a secret relationship with a stranger in Jamaica.

Niema was the one who waited until everyone was asleep, before sneaking out to a ballroom, where she slipped into the night with the stranger she was carrying out a secret relationship with. 

That was Niema.

Shi would never do that.

Shi was carrying around so much and couldn’t let go; wouldn’t let go. She was in pain; she knew pain, she loved pain. She was pain. She was hurting and she wanted to hurt. She felt she needed to hurt. 

But not Niema.

And that’s why I wasn’t Shi, not anymore. It was too much; too hard to be Shi. So, I just simply wasn’t.

No, I was Niema…

 Each time my name was called, I pretended to hear Ny instead of Shi.

Because I wasn’t Shi.

I was Niema, Niema was me…

Chapter 26

The FREE 3 sat adrift just outside of Bermuda. All the lights were out in the fifty-foot yacht. The yacht bobbed in the silent water as the seven kayaks quietly approached.

The man in the first kayak to reach the yacht looked up to the top of the boat.

“We’re here,” he spoke into the earpiece attached to his night vision goggles.

“All in place?” a female’s raspy voice came to all of their ears at once. 

Once the last kayak was floating alongside the yacht, the first kayak said, “Affirmative.”

“Move in and stay in touch,” the female said.

“Let’s go,” the first kayak said as he shot a small gun with a grappling hook attached to the top of the yacht. Once it landed somewhere on the deck with a thud, he tugged with all his strength. Feeling it was secure, he looked around at the others and nodded. They followed suit, shooting grappling guns and then attaching them to a secure hook on their belts. The small electronic devices pulled them up slowly and silently. The team climbed aboard and began to signal one another silently.

Silenced pistols at the ready, the seven men swept across the deck of the boat. Covering one another, they began clearing every ten feet of the vacant deck and its shadows. 

The team made their way around the large enclosed plank of the yacht, which sat high above the deck without incident or interruption. 

“Deck clear…” the first kayak whispered as they all positioned themselves outside a pair of glass, double doors. 

“Move in,” the female voice said.

Each team member nodded to one another. The one closest to the doors reached out and tried the knob. It was unlocked. Slowly and silently, the doors were opened wide. The small hall was quickly swept and three men each positioned themselves at two of the five doors. The leader from the first kayak nodded to each team of three. Silently they disappeared into the rooms, while a man in the hall stood guard. Once both teams were back in the hall, he spoke into his mic, “Rooms A and B clear.”

“Proceed to C and D,” the female voice came back.

The next two rooms were cleared within three minutes and reported.

“Proceed to E.”

The last room was at the end of the hall. The team surrounded the door. The leader counted down from five with his hands up so everyone could see. At one the man to the right tried the knob. 

The door was locked.

He moved back into place as someone else put an ear to the door. Hearing nothing he looked around, shook his head to let the others know there was nothing heard and then resumed his place in line.

The leader from the first kayak whispered, “E-five locked.”

He waited for a response as one of the team members pulled out a small pouch with lock picking tools. The leader was prepared to give the order before he heard it.

“Kick it in.”

He and the others froze. They looked around at one another. It’d only take fifteen seconds’ tops to pick the lock.

“Repeat,” the leader said, not sure he heard correctly.

“Kick…the…door…in…now Agent!”

There was no room for discussion. He looked at his team and they pressed closely against the wall. Without a second thought, the leader from the first kayak marched forward, lifted his foot and kicked the little door off its hinges.

He didn’t have time to see if the room was empty. He heard a click and a low ringing sound before he turned to run, yelling, “BOMB!”

* * *

Barry dropped the night vision binoculars and clawed the headphones off her ears. The sight of the boat blowing up through the night vision binoculars sent a flash of blinding white light through her brain, causing an instant migraine. The sound of the explosion before the transmission was terminated had her ears throbbing.

“Fuck!” Barry screamed, shaking her head with one hand pressed to her ear.

She didn’t have time to dwell on the pain wrecking her head. She’d just lost seven agents in an unauthorized operation.

“Binoculars!” she yelled.

There were three agents on board the small yacht with her. They all worked directly for her. She had no doubt that if she said, “It never happened,” they’d all nodded in agreement. She was handed regular binoculars. She put them on, looking at what was left of the large yacht lighting up Bermuda.

Barry was grinding her teeth as she looked at the damage. 

“Boss, you might want to see this,” a frail-looking agent said.

Still fuming, Barry marched over to the steering wheel. “What!”

The agent pointed down to the black monitor with green lines and dots. Barry did not need any explanation as she watched a cluster of little dots in one spot and one single dot moving quickly away.

Running to the window, she switched the binoculars to night vision and scanned the dark waters until she saw it. 

A small white motorboat was cutting through the water. She zoomed in and saw a figure as the boat gained distance. Barry was so angry; her mind was blank. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply; sure T-money was the figure on the boat.

Eyes still closed and not daring to think of any counter measures, because it might make things worse she said calmly, “Get me Agent Pointer.”

Part 2: How Shi Got Her Groove Back

Chapter 27

Oh, my fuckin’ God Niema was a fucking beast. 

She came back from Jamaica on a mission. She moved out of Dr. Richards’ house and back to the house in East Palo Alto that Diamond was squatting in. The only reason being was, she didn’t think she would be able to hide the secret relationship with Josh she’d continued to carry on. Niema only liked him because Shi didn’t.

Niema went to clubs, drank, and the bitch smoked. She was a party girl and she was Dior, who was fucking with two niggas from Oakland. One from East Oakland, who was the manager of Wells Fargo Bank in South City, and the other from West Oakland who was a bouncer at New Caribbean City. 

Dior was also Serena, who was talking to over five guys on the phone, making plans she’d never keep. 

Serena turned into CoCo when I was online cyber dating and cat-fishing over twenty different guys. 

Niema…

Oh, the girl was doing it.

Dr. Richards was too happy to have me “back”, even to try bringing up what changed. I know she didn’t think going to Jamaica did it alone. 

So, she didn’t ask; she just enjoyed Niema.

Niema was a fucking beast…

Chapter 28

Sin knew that starting any empire, especially a drug empire, was not going to be easy at all.

Then again, Sin thought as she stood silently staring at the four women in front of her. Standing in the large ballroom. She couldn’t help but smile. It had been three months since Raja propositioned Lil’ L. It had been two months since she’d met them all in the parking lot at Flood Park. A week later she, Raja, and Swift forced their way into the mansion in Atherton. That same night, she told Swift she needed four women that looked like her. She told him what type of girl she was looking for height, weight, skin color, and body type. Two weeks later, Sin stood in a spacious living room staring at the four women Swift had rounded up.

Raja stood just outside her line of vision. They were encased within two circles. The outer circle was made up of seven armed men. These were the new members of Hell or Hath No Fury, as Raja dubbed them. Raja also dubbed the outer circle the pawns. The armed men on the outside were the right hands of the men who made up the inner circle. 

The inner circle were the seven men Lil’ L was able to round up. In the center of all the madness was Sin… and Raja.

The formation they were in was the same formation the Secret Service used to protect the President.

Sin stood in the billion dollar fortress-like estate in Atherton. The childless couple was kept alive in case of an emergency, but once they sold their home to Sin City LLC, that would all change.

As Sin looked over the four special women in the middle of the circle with her and Raja, she wondered whether Raja knew her hidden agenda was more revenge than money.  Nevertheless, she’d make good on her promise to make them rich; very, very rich.

After looking in each of the women’s eyes, Sin smiled. They passed the first test. They had what it took to be… her; and what they didn’t have, they could be taught.

“Raj,” Sin called. He took a step forward. Standing next to her, she said, “Get these ladies ready.”

Chapter 29

Sin turned and the circles parted for her. She walked out of the ballroom and up the stairs to the library. She closed the door behind her and walked to the desk in front of the bay window. 

She guessed she felt so comfortable there because it reminded her of Spin City. It reminded her of her home with Spin. Smiling, she sat in the dark.

She closed her eyes and leaned back into the chair. She started to gently rock as she rocked, trying to clear her mind. 

Taking a deep breath, she heard her own high-pitched scream in her ear. 

Sin took a deep breath, steadying herself from what she knew was coming next. 

She saw it over and over again in her mind. She saw her face, always, hovering over her like a vision of death. She stared into the last face she’d remember seeing for months—the face that haunted her every waking moment—the face that was attached to the head she was going to put a bullet in.

There was a knock on the door.

Sin opened her eyes, breathing a little quicker and her heart was racing. She reached up and wiped the sweat off her head. She had no idea why she was so disturbed by what happened; she knew she wasn’t scared, was she?

There was another knock.

Sin reached for the little lamp on the desk and flicked it on.

“What!” she called, leaning back in her seat and trying to compose herself.

The door opened silently.

“Sin,” Raja said, walking in and closing the door. Walking to the desk, Raja sat in one of the chairs across from his sister.

He knew she was feeling uncomfortable with his stare. He wanted to know what was going on, what was she doing that she was not telling him?

“You hear from Family?” Sin asked, giving him a piercing dark stare. A stare he did not recognize, a stare he did not know, a stare that scared him. 

He was not looking at his baby sister, not the baby sister he remembered. She had been through something, something that changed her. 

Swallowing, Raja said, “Yeah, that’s the reason I came up.”

Sin stopped rocking in the chair.

“They want to talk to you,” Raja explained. 

Sin lifted an eyebrow. 

“They… they just want to know what your plan is.”

“Plan? It’s pretty simple Raj, we tryin’ to eat.”

Raja nodded at what she said.

“We family, Raj, they shouldn’t hesitate to help.”

“True Sis, but—”

“It’s not like we steppin’ on they toes or asking for handouts. All we need is a little help getting started over here. I mean, it’s not like this is Detroit, we not sitting here trying to start something on they shit—”

“Sin… Sin… Sin… calm down. They aren’t saying that they won’t help us, they just want to know where they money is going. You know, a business investment.”

“Are you sure they don’t want to control what’s happening with their money—”

“Sin, nobody is just going to drop a mil in yo’ lap, no questions aske—”

“I would; as a matter of fact, I did,” Sin said, shutting Raja up. 

Raja knew what she was talking about. The two stared one another down as if reliving the events.

There was a long silence before Sin said, “When do they want to talk?”

“As soon as possible,” Raja said.

Sin nodded as she began rocking back and forth in the chair. 

Raja stared at her as she stared at him, without seeing. Her eyes were glassy and he wondered whether or not she was able to see him.

“Sin?” he said, after a few seconds of silence. 

She stopped rocking and her eyes seem to clear as she blinked and looked at him.

“Did you hear me?”

“Hmmm?”

“I said, as soon as possible,” Raja told her.

The left corner of her lip raised a little, giving her a sinister smirk as she nodded. Her mind was racing. She and Raja both knew what would happen if her brothers didn’t help. She knew it hurt Raj, but, he’d be on her side in the end. 

 That was the problem; if you weren’t with her, then you were against her.

“I’ll get back to you,” Sin said, nodding.

“All right,” Raja said, standing up slowly. 

Sin knew Raja wouldn’t have what it took to do what needed to be done. He couldn’t. The phone call and the conversation had his name all over it. He was trying to be the voice of reason, but there was no reason. Either Fam would support them or not, plain and simple. She’d supported Fam; it was time for them to do the same.

But what if they didn’t? she thought.

“Raj,” she called, before he was able to close the door. 

“Hmm?” He looked up. She could barely make out his facial features in the dim light that sat on her desk.

“Would you send Swift up?”

Raja froze for a moment as a wave of fear swept over him. It was hard to swallow as he stared at his sister. The way the light splashed up from the desk to her face gave her a devilish look. 

“Thank you.”

Raja closed the door slowly. Walking away, he pulled out his phone and noticed his hand was shaking.

Chapter 30

I was on my way to L.A.

Y’all already know why.

Anyways, I was juiced. Josh and I were spending the weekend together, finally. Josh and I hadn’t seen one another since Jamaica and that was over a month ago. The rendezvous was highly anticipated and a long time coming.

I liked Josh, like really; why else would I be carrying on a secret long distance relationship with him?

We had so much fun in Jamaica and to be honest, although I talked to him like every day, I still missed him. 

Josh made me feel, so—so alive. Like a kid again, like I ain’t had not one care; not one single worry in the world.

Though I really didn’t know Josh in the sense where I asked where he worked and stuff, I still felt I was wrong about how I initially felt about him. Guess it’s the whole “judging a book by its cover” thing.  As the days went on, he slowly transformed into my type and became more and more attractive. I started to notice features he had that turned me the hell on.

The plane ride was about an hour long. I got off the plane and pushed my way through LAX after grabbing my bags. I’d texted Josh once my iPhone 4 powered back on, but hadn’t gotten a response yet. I had no idea where I was supposed to be going.

He just said he’d meet me at the airport.

I was near the carport when my phone chirped. It was a text from Josh. I clicked on it and a picture popped up. I stared at the crowded image and then realized it was a picture of me, from behind.

I turned around quickly and started scanning the crowd until I saw Josh wearing fitted jeans and a white tee. He had on a do-rag and a fitted L.A. cap. I’d walked right by him and hadn’t noticed him, or the large sign he was holding. As a smile that matched his spread across my face, I realized why. It was my first time seeing him in his normal wear. Down in Jamaica, it was all swim trunks, wife beaters, Hawaiian button ups and flip-flops.

Now, I know not recognizing him is understandable, but the sign? Let me explain why my dumb ass kept it pushin’.

His sign read, “Niema”. I’d been so excited to see him that I forgot he was saying Ny, not Shi. Here I was, going to have to go through a romantic weekend with him calling me another woman’s name.

It was at that instant I realized I was going to be in for a long one.

Chapter 31

Josh took me to a large house in what the sign announced as Beverly Hills. The place was fenced in and had a large front yard. The house looked like a modest colonial house, with no more than three rooms, though I could tell space was hidden. To be so large the place looked…cozy. I mean, homey.

The inside was large and tastefully decorated. Each room had its own theme and was beautiful, breathtaking even. I could feel Shi in the back of my head asking, What do this nigga do? How could he afford a place like this? Is he gay? Why aren’t there any pictures?

I mean, from what I knew he was single and lived alone. So, unless he hired an interior decorator, which he could have done, but then that might mean he’s gay. I am not going to fool myself. Only gay men had the kinda taste I was looking at. As I looked at the décor, I realized it was expensive taste.

“This is your room,” he said.

Damn! I done daydreamed my ass through some of the tour. 

Josh opened a door into a spacious room.

I walked inside in awe. The shit was phat; I mean flat screens, couches, fireplaces, picture window, and California King kind of phat.

He walked my bags to the bed.

“My room is next door,” he told me. “Get outta them sweats, we goin’ out.”

“Where we goin’?” I asked.

“To eat and for a walk. You hungry, right?”

This nigga was so fucking fine and sexy. I mean, all the way from the airport we talked and all, but I was somehow shy. Just like I was getting at that moment.

I shrugged and he said, “Don’t be acting all shy. How ‘bout we do this...” he leaned against the wall. “…we work up an appetite?”

Getting all hot and bothered, I lifted up my eyebrow. He smiled after licking his lips.

“Just put on some jeans, nothing fancy,” he said, with a knowing smile. “Hurry up.”

I watched him leave the room and close my door behind him. That smile of his told me all I needed to know. The nigga knew what he was doing, and now that I knew that he knew… I felt some type of way. What type? I don’t know, but I’d figure it out.

I quickly pulled out a pair of skinny jeans, some Uggs, a ripped baby-tee, a jacket and a new pair of panties. 

My “room”, as he called it, had its own spacious bathroom. The lighting was so perfect that it took no time for me to touch up my makeup. I braided my hair into a fishtail and then put on some gold accessories. I sprayed myself with some body mist and was ready to go.

I grabbed my big purse, walked out the room and into Josh.

“Nice,” he smiled.

I looked him up and down. “Thank you.”

He was wearing faded 501s and a white-tee with a black pea coat. The nigga was fine.

Why was he single? Or was he?

I ignored Shi as we walked out the house.

I walked outside, expecting to jumped into the same Range Rover we’d arrived in, but I was wrong. Sitting where the Range used to be was now a red Ferrari. The doors opened up and I climbed in with an even look on my face. He was clearly trying to impress me. I let out a little laugh when he closed my door and walked to the other side of the car.

How cute, I thought. If only he knew Shi. 

After buckling our seatbelts, the engine roared to life and we were gone. 

He’s a drug dealer. Why are you getting involved with another drug dealer?

Shi was trying her hardest to throw Niema off her game. But I was having fun, more fun than I was having looking for Vicky. And I wasn’t going back.

Pushing my troubles back where they belonged, I sat silently as the car came to a stop. I had no idea where we were. The last sign I remembered was North Beverly Glen Blvd. Now we were parked on a residential street with no sign of a place to eat.

“Where are we?” I asked looking around.

Smiling he politely ignored me and said, “Come on.”

Chapter 32

I guess he was serious about working up an appetite I thought as we started walking.

After a few silent minutes of walking, he broke the silence. 

“So, Miss Niema…”

I smiled and continued walking.

“So,” I finally said after a little pause.

We were strolling side by side, bumping into one another. The sky was purple and you could still see in front of you. The air was warm against my skin, letting me know I could take off my jacket if I wanted.

“I missed you.”

“Yeah right,” I laughed nervously.

“Naw, fa’reals.”

I rolled my eyes as we walked across another street, past more houses. I noticed the further we walked, the houses grew smaller and closer together, though still nice. We lapsed into awkward silence and I tried my hardest to keep Shi in her place. I didn’t need her ruining our happiness and filling me with doubt and fear. 

A million questions were running through my mind. Trying to pick the right one, one that I, Niema, wanted to ask was becoming difficult. I opened my mouth, intending to ask a question when he grabbed my hand and pulled me.

“Come on,” he said with a smile.

We walked onto a nicely manicured lawn. The house it led up to was a big blue and white one. The lights were on inside and so were the porch lights as we approached. I was so lost and confused. 

What’s going on? Where are we? Whose house is this?

I so didn’t feel like meeting new people. 

Taking a deep breath, I shook my head and corrected myself. 

Shi doesn’t like meeting new people, but I did. Niema loved meeting new people. I know it sounded crazy, but I just couldn’t keep doing it. I couldn’t continue to be Shi, not like this. When you are haunted by so many bad things that you can’t forget, it helps to be someone else. It helps to shut it all out and to be, well, just not be.  I was just not going to be Shi; it would take some training, but I’d get it right. Who says I have to be myself? What law is it?

I looked over at Josh as we approached the front door. He had a mischievous grin on his face. He pressed the doorbell and then knocked loudly. 

A little too loudly if you ask me, I thought.

I turned to look at him, wondering why he was knocking as if he was the damn police, but when I turned to him; he turned away from me and yelled, “Run!”

I looked at his retreating back. He turned around without slowing down, “Come on, Niema! Run!” he yelled.

I heard locks click and my heart began pounding. I turned to look at the door. I was so not going to get caught.

For what?

I don’t know.

But y’all know how our people are when we see someone runnin’. Rule of thumbs, you run and find out why later.

I started sprinting, purse under my arm like a football. I was on Josh’s heels as we hit the street and continued running for a block. I was out of breath by the time we stopped at a corner. My heart was pounding and I could feel sweat tickling my skin.

Josh was laughing and breathing hard. 

“You… almost… got… caught,” he laughed louder, gasping for air. I looked at him as if he was crazy, as I tried to catch my breath. “You never played knock-knock zoom-zoom?”

I was lost.

“Ding dong ditch?”

I knew what it was; I mean, I guess I knew how to play. It wasn’t rocket science; I guess I just hadn’t played. 

But, I’d be damned if I admitted it, I thought as Niema kicked in. 

“Come on,” she told him with an evil smile as I walked into another yard.

Chapter 33

Yeah, I guess you could say I was catting off. After hitting a few more houses, Josh and I found our way back to his car, outta breath. 

We climbed in hot and sweaty.

He took me to a restaurant called Urasawa. Right, the name itself told me it was more than likely expensive. We walked in and were seated for our reservations for two. I looked at the menu and gathered from the décor that we were in an Asian restaurant. 

I looked at the menu for a second, and then sat it down. 

“Okay, look,” I said.

“What?” he asked, looking concerned. “What’s wrong?”

I leaned forward and put my hand on top of his. I could see the worry and concern on his face as he leaned in towards me.

“We can do this two ways and honestly, this is your date and it is totally up to you,” I said and then paused. “Now, we can stay here and eat, in which case, I’d more than likely end up telling you what I like at Panda Express and you’d find something similar to it on here. More than likely I wouldn’t like it, but I’d pick and eat it here and there. You’d think it’s cute that I eat like a hummingbird, when in fact; I eat more like a goat. I’ll take back leftovers that would either sit in the backseat of your car long after I’d returned home, or in the back of your fridge, possibly way longer than that. I’d more than likely go to sleep hungry, unless I can’t take it anymore and decide to go and raid your fridge…”

I took my hand off his and sat up staring at him. I’d just given him a lot, so I was going to give him time to process. He looked down at his menu and then back up at me. For a second, my confidence as Niema wavered and I wondered whether I’d gotten the right vibe from him.

“Or?”

“We can go to McDonald’s,” I said, abruptly deciding to continue to be blunt and fun. “The way I see it is, it’s cheaper, more convenient. I mean, how long are we really going to sit here waiting for food?  More than likely, because of how expensive this place is, you’re not going to get proper portions, and—”

Oh, I was ready for him with my reasoning’s. I mean in the end, a bitch was hungry, and wanted to stay hungry. But before I could finish, he reached across the table for my hand silencing me. He looked deep into my eyes and I felt the old familiar chill go down my spine. 

“You had me at, ‘we can go,’ ” he said, and I couldn’t help but break out laughing. His corny ass started laughing too. 

“Okay, so when I get up and go to the bathroom, you go to the car and then I’ll meet you outside.”

“Why?”

“Because the walk of shame out of this restaurant would be a little embarrassing.”

I looked around and nodded. “Right.”

All these damn people up in here.  I so was not ready for the Asian people stare of shame.

Chapter 34

I got up at the same time as Josh, and we both walked in separate directions. I walked towards the door and was able to slip out without question. I strutted towards our car, which was two blocks away. 

I quickly walked to the corner and waited on the side of a building. I pulled out my phone when a pair of headlights turned on. I only looked because the lights were a little bright. I looked to my left and saw the white car across the street. The lights were blinding me, so I was unable to make out a shape in the driver’s seat. 

I turned away from the lights and looked down at my phone. I went into my text messages and clicked my conversations with Josh. 

I texted him to let him know I was waiting at the corner. I sent the message and stared down at my shadow splashed against the ground. 

What the fuck?

I turned around looking into the bright lights again. The white Infiniti’s bright neon lights made my head hurt. 

What the hell were they doing?

I shielded my eyes against the light.

Josh? Had he gotten another car?

I wouldn’t put it past him. Shielding my eyes, I took a step away from the building looking at the car. I was more curious than afraid. 

I walked to the curb, still trying to see into the car. The dark windows made it almost impossible to see and the bright lights deaded any other chance I had. 

As I stood, staring like a damn deer caught in headlights, the car silently and noiselessly began to move. It crept across the street and my heart started pounding. I watched as it slowly crossed the street. I swallowed hard, clutching my gun-less purse. The car made not a sound, as it slowly passed me by. I watched as it retreated down the street.

I was stuck.

Who was that?

Who else would it have been?

I wanted to yell, or scream. I wanted to drop my purse and run after the car. I needed to. Even if it wasn’t her, even if I knew it wasn’t her, it’s the not being sure that’ll kill me. 

“She’s not that far,” I heard Shi whisper as I looked at the car less than a hundred feet away. 

“Niema?”

I jumped at the feel of Josh’s hand on my arm. 

“Sorry, did I scare you?” he laughed and I stared at him. “Ny?” 

It took everything I had to bring myself back to that moment and not go after that car.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, some weirdo in a white Infiniti was creeping me out,” I said with a giggle.

“Huh?”

“Nothing, he just had his high beams on me, probably checking me out,” I said, trying to convince myself more than him. 

“Which way did it go?” he asked.

“Why? Don’t worry, it ain’t that serious. It was probably just some perv, now come on; I’m hungry.”

“Yeah, maybe,” he said, seeming distant.

“Come on,” I said, pulling his arm. “Let’s go eat.”

Chapter 35

The rest of the night was kind of strange. It was as if we wanted to get away from one another without being apart. We went to McDonald’s and ate there. I ordered a double-bacon cheeseburger to prove that I knew how to put it away.

We ate more than spoke and when we were done, we didn’t linger. It was strange, as if we were rushing but not really rushing.

When we got back, our showers turned to good nights and I stayed in my room the rest of the night. 

That night was the only awkward one. The next morning, we were back to normal.

I woke up to him knocking on the door.

“Come in,” I said, keeping the covers over my head.

“Rise and shine, sunshine,” he said in his silky deep voice.

“I‘m up,” I lied, turning over. 

“Okay, then so am I,” he said and I felt him get into my bed. 

My heart was pounding. I ain’t had a man in my bed since…

I swallowed at the thought of King. That was something I couldn’t lock away with Shi, because he was a piece of me.

 He reached out and pulled me towards him. “I hope you don’t mind, I like to cuddle.”

I felt that familiar chill hit my spine, the one I always felt right before my leg started tingling and then I started getting a little moist. 

I kept my eyes closed and imagined King, wished for King, prayed for King. I thought; Josh and King’s bodies were completely different. I was able to trick myself that in some form, it was King was holding me. I was able to do that until Josh started talking, reminding me where I was.

“I got Roscoe’s,” he whispered in my ear.

I couldn’t help but smile at his retarded ass. The way he whispered it and said it so sensually pushed King and my emotions out of my mind.

“I got wet,” I said, not lying.

We both began laughing and he started tickling me. 

“Stop! Stop!” I laughed, feeling my sides hurting. “Stop!” 

He stopped on top of me. I had my legs wrapped around his waist. I looked down at me and I swear it was one of them movie-perfect times to kiss. It was going to happen, until his phone rang. 

“Agggghhhh!” he half-screamed, grabbing his phone. 

He looked down and his face seemed to change instantly.

“I gotta take this,” he said, answering the call. 

I got up and decided to brush my teeth before I went downstairs, because now that I thought about it, that would have been a disaster. I almost had my movie kiss with stank breath. I don’t think I’d ever be able to face him again.

As I brushed my teeth, I realized I was being normal and I liked it. I was going out, traveling and dating. I was being me and having fun with life. I was finally enjoying life and it was a long time coming. I’d been through a lot and I deserved a happy ending, so why not give it to myself?

Who was I to stand in the way of being happy? Of me being happy?

I’d survived the drug game and lost so much, it was time for me to gain. And that’s just what I was going to do.

I jumped into the shower, telling myself that I was going to get my happy ending. I kept the positive affirmations going as I got dressed and prepared myself. 

Chapter 36

“You are going to be happy,” I told myself  aloud as I walked out of my room. I walked to the room next door and put my ear to it. I knocked lightly. There was no answer and I didn’t hear anything. 

I turned and walked down to the stairs headed towards the kitchen. I was thinking that he was still busy on the phone and I’d just wait when I heard his voice, smooth and low. 

I continued walking to the kitchen straining my ears to listen. 

“Do it!” I heard him say. “I am busy right now and this is the last thing I need when I am trying to take care of his business…”

I was almost to the kitchen door and I had several things to think about. Shi would stand there listening, but, I wasn’t Shi. I didn’t care. It wasn’t my business or my place to care or snoop. 

I had to keep telling myself I didn’t care, that was the only thing that got me to walk into the sunbathed kitchen as he was saying, “Well, if she does, then that’s all our asses; mine, yours, and his too.”

He looked up at me and after a little flinch, gave a nervous smile. His muscles seem to unwind. When he saw me his entire disposition seem to have changed. He started lighting a blunt as he cocked his head to his left. He was sitting at a big island and on the other side was a table set for two. I could see the waffles and the chicken in its basket. He had orange juice set out. Everything looked beautiful and had he not been on the phone, it would have been romantic. 

He lifted a blunt up and lit it as he looked at me leaning against the island. After taking a hit, he passed it to me. He was surprised when I took it from him and took a hit. It took everything in me not to choke, being that I was still new to this. I was hoping my face was not showing that I was holding in a cough. I took a second hit, praying to God I did not choke. I passed the blunt, but he shook his head to tell me to take another hit.

What part of the game was this? It’s puff, puff, pass.

I took a pretend hit this time and then passed it.

He took the blunt as he hung up the phone.

“I swear, nobody can do anything right,” he said, shaking his head and taking a hit of the blunt.

I stared at him, totally ignoring his statement. I could care less what he was talking about and what was going on with his work life. I’d already made it up in my mind that I didn’t give a damn what he did for a living. And it was true; I didn’t and I don’t.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked.

Do it!

Smiling, I shrugged and then nervously walked over to his side. He had the blunt hanging from his lips as he looked over at me. I looked down at his tight body stretching out his white wife beater. He turned towards me and I grabbed the blunt out of his mouth. Still looking in his eyes, I turned it around and took a hit. Not fully inhaling, I blew the smoke in his face. 

He smiled and then licked his lips.

I took another hit; this time I moved close to him and pushed my lips together. He opened his mouth slightly as I began blowing smoke into his mouth. Our lips were almost touching as I blew gently towards his mouth. 

When I was out of smoke and ready to inhale, he took what little breath I had away. 

Chapter 37

Agent Pointer let his cell phone ring until it stopped on its own. The caller ID flashed a 650 number he was very familiar with. It was a Google Voice number; letting him know he had a call coming in to that number. Someone was calling his forwarding number.

Only two people had that number and he was one of those two people. Since he wasn’t calling himself, he knew what to do.

The first thing was to let the phone ring until the voicemail picked up. After that, he was to go somewhere private and lastly, he was to wait for the next call, which would come within two minutes of the last.

Two minutes later, the phone rang and he answered on the fifth ring for no specific reason.

“I was wondering exactly when you’d be calling,” Agent Pointer said, by way of a greeting.

“Am I that predictable?” the man on the other end asked. Agent Pointer shrugged and let the silence carry. “Jeremy?”

“Yes, T-money.”

“Call me Johnny I,” the caller said. “No need for the alias anymore, Jeremy.”

“True.”

“What’s going on?”

“Life,” Agent Pointer answered after a brief pause.

“Who’s after me? And why? How’d—”

“You blew up your yacht and seven federal agents.”

“I know,” Johnny said sounding sad. “I liked that yacht.”

“T-mon—, John, whoever you are, this is not a joke,” Agent Pointer half-yelled.

“So, the CIA is after me, I take it?” Johnny asked, in response to Agent Pointer’s outburst. The only times he was stressed or short with Johnny, was when Johnny had done something to upset the American government that he would have to clean up. At first, Johnny thought he’d lost his mind, but soon realized Agent Pointer was just scared and loved him. He wanted him to stay under the radar. “Any idea how much they know?”

Agent Pointer took a deep breath and said, “I don’t know, it’s being kept real tight. I only know about this from rumors in the breakroom. I am purposely being kept in the dark on this one.”

Johnny seemed unfazed as he said, “Okay, well, call the boys and brainstorm on how we are going to deal with this new development. Maybe another new identity?”

Agent Pointer sighed, “I can get you back in the states unnoticed. I think—”

“I don’t think that would be wise, Jeremy,” Johnny said in an authoritative tone, which scared Agent Pointer.

“I… I.” Fuck! Agent Pointer thought. “I just thought maybe you… maybe you wanted to see her before we change your identity again.” Agent Pointer’s heart was pounding as the silence on the other end hung.

“I’d rather she be kept a secret, Jeremy. I don’t want them after her, you understand me?”

“Understood!”

“I hope so, because she is all I have left, Jeremy, and I mean all,” Johnny said and his voice sent a chill down Jeremy’s spine. “And when you lose it all, well, fuck with my daughter and I’ll show America a terrorist.”

“Right!”

“Scheyenne Iverson is off limits, do I make myself clear?”

“Crystal,” Jeremy managed to say, slapping himself in the head. He was screwing this up. “Well, do you need anything? Money? Tran—”

“No! I’ll be fine.”

The finality in Johnny’s voice told Jeremy something had changed. He was getting suspicious.

Good Johnny, play the role, Jeremy thought.

“So, the evacuation plan then?”

“Yes,” Johnny said, slowly switching gears. “I’ve already made it to A, I’ll be traveling as planned and I should be okay as long as you guys work fast.” 

Agent Pointer nodded, knowing exactly where he was, and what was going on.

“What did you do with your girlfriend?”

“I packed her up and sent her home soon as I got the tip.”

Agent Pointer nodded, not needing to know what he meant by the tip. “Give me a few days and I should have it all worked out by the next time you call back.”

“Okay, I’ll enjoy my travels until then.”

“Okay,” Agent Pointer said, ready to hang up.

“Jeremy!”

“Yes,” Agent Pointer said, pressing the phone to his ear.

“Don’t forget I love the water. Please try and remember that while you work.”

Smiling, Agent Pointer replied, “Will do.”

He was ready to hang up again when he heard Johnny say, “And tell Barry I said hi.”

The line beeped as the phone call ended.

Agent Pointer’s heart was pounding as he sat his phone down on his desk.

“He’s in the Virgin Islands,” he said, looking into Barry’s eyes.

“What did he say?” she asked, reaching for his desk phone.

“Just that he needed some help and he wants a new identity.”

She seemed not to be listening as she said into the phone, “Barriessa here. Owens, I need agents in the Virgin Islands…”

Agent Pointer knew it would be a black-op and no one would know about it. Just like the black-op mission to T-money’s yacht, which she managed to cover up and bury in paperwork. She was good, especially when it came to making people disappear. That’s why Agent Pointer figured it would be better to play nice and be with her rather than against her. 

Judging from the way the conversation went, he knew that any man that was betraying the infamous T-money and setting him up should be scared. Any human being would fear T-money,  do the smart thing, and run for shelter. He did what he thought any scared man would do; he went to his superior and spilled his beans. 

He knew agents would have the Virgin Islands surrounded within a matter of minutes, depending on how many were already there and how many she was going to smuggle in.

Barry was the type to send the entire staff as a suicide bomber, no matter what your skill or rank. It was that ruthlessness which Agent Pointer knew would get her what and where he wanted. She took chances, was full of pride and had an ego bigger than the United States itself.

Before Barry could bark another order, Agent Pointer said, “He’ll be gone.”

She stopped mid-sentence and looked up at him.

“He’ll be heading to San Juan for the weekend…”

Chapter 38

Sin stood watching the four women fight. They were back in the ballroom with all its furniture pushed against the walls. The fourteen men in  her crew were huddled around, yelling at the blood and carnage. Sin made it clear to the men watching that the women were not to kill one another. The four of them being alive and well and surviving this together was essential.

This battle’s only purpose was as a test to see who of the four was the hungriest. After all, they needed to be strong enough to be her. And from what she’d seen, they were all equally hungry. Sin could tell they were tired, they could barely swing their fists. 

Her excitement made her smile. 

Tucking her smile away, she turned to Swift, who was standing to her left with a toothless smile. 

“Give them a month,” she said, before there was a collective, “Oooohhhh!” as one of the bloody women delivered a kick to another’s face.

Swift turned his head, keeping his eyes on the action and said, “Will that be enough time?”

“Make it enough,” Sin said, turning to her right. “Raj, do we have names?”

“Lil’ L has them all.”

Sin nodded and then turned and walked away. Her heels clicked loudly on the floor as she retreated. Before she turned the corner, she heard her name. 

“Sin!” She turned to see Swift walking towards her. When he caught up to her he said, “That otha thing we talked about.” Sin did not answer. “They ready when you are.”

A sense of melancholy spread through Sin as what he said hit her. Her eyes immediately went over her shoulders to her brother. Raja was still standing in the same place she’d left him. He was staring at her from the crowd. 

For a second she felt weak, but she wasn’t turning back. 

“It’s important that I have them ready, Swift,” she explained. “I want their every need and want met and as soon as they are able to walk straight I want them set up.”

“What about my boys?” Swift asked.

“If they don’t fuck this up, they’re in,” she said, crossing her arms. “We gon’ need all the men we got if we going up against my brothers, especially in Detroit.” Sin knew it was unheard of and because of that, they wouldn’t be expecting it, especially from her.

Swift nodded and turned to leave, but Sin caught his arm. He stopped and looked down at her hand, which she quickly withdrew.

“Thanks for keeping this between us,” she said, trying to hide her desperation. She knew she couldn’t trust Raja to do what needed to be done, because he’d be too emotional. 

Swift turned to see Raja staring their way. He turned and looked at Sin. “You’re the boss.”

Sin nodded and Swift walked away. 

She made eye contact with her brother for a little too long before she turned the corner to the hall. She leaned her head against the wall, hoping her brothers would come to their senses and helped them.

She allowed her moment to pass and hardened right back up before her brother rounded the corner.

“What’s up?” he asked in a tone that contradicted his eyes. 

Sin took a deep breath, “I think it’s time we all sit down and talk, like a family.”

“When?” he asked, with a little bit of excitement in his voice.

“Soon,” Sin said. “Month, two maybe.”

Raja nodded slowly. Sin turned to leave when Raja spoke up. 

“Sin?” she stopped and turned around. What’s going on? What are you hiding from me? he wanted to grab her by both arms and yell. He’d known his sister long enough to know when she was up to something. 

It was hard splitting siblings up. Though his brothers were older, they were triplets, so it was easy to find them a home. Who would want to split up the three? He and Sin however, they had to fight. That was the only way to keep them together. When a family came and took him from the home, he’d do everything he could to stay or get back to Sin. She’d done the same. 

As they grew up, they’d been close as they went through the revolving doors of the juvenile and foster care system. They survived. Even after the broken promises from their brothers to reunite them when they were old enough to get out of the system. 

The day their brothers became legal came and passed. without so much as a call. 

They survived, together. 

“I love you,” he said instead. 

Sin looked uncomfortable as she nodded and then turned and walked away thinking about what needed to be done next.

Chapter 39

Needless to say after that kiss, I didn’t go home. He lifted me up on the cabinet while we kissed. It all felt so natural, the magnetism. He wanted me.  I wanted him, and I let my body do the rest.

Well, Niema let her body do the rest. I hadn’t had sex since King and me;  Shi, didn’t think that it would ever happen again. But here it was.

I let him kiss me, and boy, did he kiss me. He sent a cool tingle down my spine, which spread instantly through my body. I shivered; then our eyes locked. I quickly grabbed his wife beater and began pulling. He assisted me in taking it off and then threw it aside. 

I took his body in, the ripple of his muscles. I let my eyes roam over his smooth, muscular chest, down his perfectly-shaped six pack, to his sexy belly button. I lingered on his waist and then let my eyes roam down to see how excited he was. I could see where his pants rose slightly. I reached for it, I need to know how it looked. I needed to know how he looked. I needed to know. 

It was at that moment that I realized how sexy he was. Unfortunately and I’m ashamed to admit this, but, I judged him on his dark skin. You know those people who are so dark that you just see their blackness and not their features? Well, that’s how Josh was. But when you got close and looked at those features, they were perfect. He looked like Tyrese, with way more muscles. 

Before I could reach my destination, he untied my robe and pulled it open with one hand. His other hand moved my legs open as he dropped down to his knees. I looked down, confused. He looked up at me as he kissed the side of my knee. I shivered as he trailed his tongue to my inner thigh. The intense look in his eyes was driving me crazy. I could feel an orgasm, an orgasm that’d been steadily building for the last, wow…

That’s how you know it’s been a long time.

I bit down on my lip as he caressed my lower back and kissed his way up my leg. He was inches away from my love, when my short breaths began coming faster, and faster and faster until…

Oh! No! I’m— FUCK! No! I’m COMING!

I could not believe this shit. I was a minute man.

How the fuck?

I gripped the edge of the island hard enough to break my nails. I closed my legs tight around his head as I let the most awkward moan escape my lips. When I came and came hard, I was sweating and out of breath. I was lightheaded and I felt  weak, yet so, so relaxed. 

I was half slumped over, trying to compose myself so that I could be embarrassed when he said, “Damn, I didn’t know I was that good.”

“Shut, up,” I said, laying back on the island. I just let myself relax. “It’s been awhile…” I managed to say between breaths.

Chapter 40

But I wasn’t done. That was just a warm up; I wanted, needed that dick. I guess my sex drive was making up for lost time after being dormant for so long. It was as if I was just in heat all of a sudden. I done got a taste of it and I wanted more.

There was something going on inside of me, something changing me. 

It was like my mind was blank, zombie blank and the only thing I needed  was diiiicccckkk.

But he had another thing in mind. 

“Come on,” he said, and I was ready.

I let him pull me off the island and lead me into the hall to the stairs. I was a little disappointed because I wanted him to take me right then and right there. It would have been hot having sex right there in the kitchen with the sun shining in through the bay window. But his room was just as good who was I to complain?

We got up stairs and stopped at my room.

Okay, my room is cool too. Shit, right here in the hall was cool with me.

He opened my door,  pulled me ahead of him and let me go in first. I turned around, expecting a kiss. You know, like, he kisses me, picks me up and carries me over to the bed, while we scratching and going at one another?

“Go get ready.”

I was stuck as he released my hand and closed my door with the sexiest smile.

What the fuck?

Chapter 41

I stood there staring at the door for a few minutes. He had to be kidding. I was expecting him to open the door at any moment with that stupid ass, sexy smile. But that moment turned into a second, which turned into a minute, then two…

I reached out for the knob and slowly turned it, expecting to see him standing there. I obviously needed to lower my expectations.

 I opened the door to see no one. I pulled my head out and looked both ways. The hall was empty. 

Was this nigga serious?

I closed the door and slowly walked to the bathroom, totally lost.

Was it me?

I mean, he couldn’t be gay.

Or could he be?

I took off my clothes and then walked to the shower. I didn’t need to look at my body, I knew it was on point. If not from the fact that I seemed to have great genes, the hell I put my body through over the last few months would have done it. A bitch barely ate, so hey. 

I climbed into the shower and then let the water wash over me. I let the water run through my hair, thinking. I let the water run through my hair, waiting; waiting for the memories… I was waiting to zone out back into myself, into my past, which seem to haunt my every being. But as I stood there with the warm water running down my head and over my body, nothing came. 

Nothing at all.

I turned off the shower and quickly dried off. I wrapped myself in a towel and headed towards the door. I needed to see him, there was something about him that made me seem right. The last time I’d been troubled with my night terrors was the day I met him. Since then, I’d yet to zone out.

I was at his door when I realized that I was standing there in a towel. Though what I wanted to do needed less than what I was wearing, I didn’t want to seem thirsty. I’d done enough of that before.

I ran back to my room and closed the door. I got myself together in less than a minute and was back at his door, hair dripping in a tee and panties. I knocked on his door first and waited. My hair was soaking the top of my shirt. I tried to smooth my hair knowing snatch back was about to fuck me up. 

I so need to do something with this shit I thought pulling my hair back and running back into the room. I grabbed a rubber band and then ran back to the door waiting. I knocked again, to no avail. 

“Josh,” I called, doing the white mom knock and opened the door. 

I poked my head in and scanned the room.

“Josh?” I called, walking into his room and looking around. “Josh.”

His room looked like a fancy studio. The white marble floors stretched the length of the large room. His huge, circular bed sat off to the left, on something that looked like a platform. I stepped inside in awe. Across the room on the far right, was a sitting area. With a black rug, coffee table and cream couches. Across from his bed and mounted to a wall, was the largest flat screen TV I’d ever seen. 

His room looked like an apartment. He had everything he needed. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a kitchen behind one of the three doors in his room. Two were closest to me on one side of the bed and the other one was on the other side of the bed. As I got closer to the bed, I realized the solo door on the other side of the room was cracked. When I heard the running water, I realized it was the bathroom.

I turned around in the middle of his room, wondering how much all this shit cost. He had a sound system with speakers all around the room. I walked over to his bed with the cream and black comforter set. His bed looked so soft and inviting, and I couldn’t help but wondering how many women he’d had in it. I mean, I was convinced that he was a single, straight drug dealer. 

I climbed up the three steps leading to his bed and sat down. And, oh, my, gosh, if it wasn’t so soft. I laid back and stretched myself out, running my hands through his silk comforter. I ran my legs around the silk and let myself melt into the warmth of the bed. As my hands played through the sheets, I hit something hard.

What the…

I grabbed it and lifted my hands up to see what I’d hit. It was his phone. 

Now, even Niema would go through his phone. 

I pressed the middle button. His phone woke up to a Lakers screen saver. I swiped right and to my surprise, his phone opened to his home screen. 

I sat up and looked around to the bathroom. My heart was pounding as I looked down to his phone. I looked up again, and just as I made the decision to look through his pictures first,  his phone sounded. 

I damn near screamed as I dropped the phone. I covered my mouth, staring at the door. 

I looked down from the door to the phone and slowly grabbed it. I turned it around and swiped down his notification bar. I closed my eyes,  took a deep breath in through my mouth and then out through my nose. I hit his home key before I opened my eyes, returning me to his home screen.

Going through nigga’s phones was that Shi shit. I was Niema and this was not my man.

So what the hell did I need to be in his phone for?

Chapter 42

I tossed his phone aside and was ready to lie back down in his bed like a creeper, picturing him coming out and finding me there, half-naked, laying in his bed waiting and wet. I knew the top part of my shirt was damp and clung to me. I knew my little tee was all but see through because of the wetness. 

I could see it all. I could picture him walking out of the bathroom with water dripping off his body. 

However, as I lay there waiting, Shi’s curiosity was starting to poison Niema’s reserve.

I looked up over my head in the direction I through the phone. I couldn’t see it, so I lifted myself up on my elbows.

Just to make sure I didn’t lose it or you know, it didn’t fall behind the bed?

So why when I saw that it was safely on the bed and not broken, did I grab it? 

I don’t know.

Just like I didn’t know why, I pressed the home key, swiped and was back at his home screen. I quickly slid down the top bar. The text message was from a strange-looking number that didn’t have a contact in his phone. I looked towards the door, then down at the text. 

“Are you still with her?”

I looked up towards the door and then down at the text again. 

Her? Me?

I looked at the number. It was one of them weird-looking numbers.  His phone sounded again and scared the hell outta me. I dropped the phone and immediately grabbed my chest as I looked at the door, thinking he heard me. 

The shower was still running, but that didn’t mean anything. He could have been out of the shower, rushing to get his phone. 

I sat there like a deer with her head caught in the headlights, staring at the bathroom, waiting to get caught. I knew I needed to get up and get my ass outta there, but…

I looked towards the phone. I needed to know. I was interested and I needed to know who her was. 

I grabbed the phone and pressed the home key. I got to his home screen and pulled his notification bar back down. 

“I can only stall for so long. You need to finish up and get her out…”

Fuck!

I couldn’t see the rest of the text without opening his messages and looking at it. The only problem with that is he’d know that he didn’t look at them. But—

The room grew awkwardly silent. It wasn’t until I heard the sound of a shower door opening that I realized the water had turned off. 

Shi wanted to know more; she would have stayed, she would not have cared if he noticed the messages were read. She’d dare him to come and ask her. Shi and Niema were two different people, that’s why Niema dropped the phone, jumped off the bed and ran. 

I didn’t realize I forgot to close the door, until I was back inside my bathroom with the door closed, breathing heavily. 

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I could not believe I was that stupid not to close the door. I sat there for a few minutes, waiting for the inevitable knock, which seemed to come within seconds.

Fuck!

“Niema?” 

Fuck! What the fuck? I kept repeating in my head. What was wrong with me?

Either I just attracted trouble or I was crazier than I thought. 

I closed my eyes and steeled myself. I took a few deep breaths to try and quiet Shi, my paranoid delusion. 

So what if his door was open? Yes, you went in there looking for him, you forgot why.

I got up off the floor, stripped and wrapped the towel around me again, so I could finish my shower and get the hell out of there. 

Chapter 43

After a lunch that I thought would never end, it was finally time for us to head to the airport. Though I tried to ignore the fact that I’d snooped through the man’s phone, there was something nagging at the corner of my mind. Something just didn’t seem right now.

I tried to convince myself that it could be any number of reasons why that message was sent. 

He could have had a roommate. That would explain the reason he lived in that phat ass house by himself. Or, maybe he was using someone else’s house or house sitting and they were coming back home. Hell, worse case he had a girlfriend who he was clearly in an open relationship with and knew all about me and was ready to come home. There was numerous explanations and none of them seems to put me at ease.

As I hugged him and gave him a kiss goodbye, promising to keep in touch and visit again real soon, I told myself I wasn’t coming back. 

What if I was being set up?

For what? I didn’t know.

By who? 

Vicky?

I stared out the window, knowing that I needed to do something about this Vicky situation if I was going to be able to move on. I was going to have to let her go. I knew I had to find the bitch and put one in her ass, if I was going to have any type of piece. 

I lay my head back against the comfortable, first-class seat. I closed my eyes, thinking of the lengths I’d already went to in order to find Vicky. I’d blown through so much money and wasted so much time, flipping over rocks and rattling cages to no avail. I knew that if I was going to do this again, I needed a different approach. I needed to make sure I didn’t lose myself again. I needed to make sure I didn’t let Vicky consume me again and take over my life. 

Chapter 44

Swift knew what he wanted and he usually knew what he had to do to get it. He knew the key to getting what he wanted was being loyal. And he knew Sin was someone who valued loyalty. 

So that’s what he gave her. That’s why he was meeting her at the San Leandro Arena at six thirty in the morning. His eyes were barely opened and he was surprised he made it there at all. If not for the three blunts he’d smoked back-to-back, he might have fallen asleep at the wheel.

Swift looked at the time. He would have two minutes to spare. He drove down Marina Boulevard,  around the maze that was the San Leandro Marina looking around.

“Come on,” he said, cranking up the heat. “Where are yooo oohhhhh.”

There she was. Sin stood straight up in front of her car, staring through large sunglasses out at the Bay. 

Swift parked his car a few cars away and behind her. He just wanted to look. 

He watched as her hair blew back in the wind. There was something about her. He let his eyes travel up and down her body. She was what you would call skinny thick. 

Swift quickly rolled a blunt, all while staring at Sin. Biting his lip, he adjusted himself. 

Swift got out of the car after lighting his blunt. He took the first hit and walked away without locking his car. 

Sin did not turn as he approached her, still checking her out

He knew Sin was a woman and all women, well  deep down inside, they all just want to be held. The only question is by a male or a female?

Swift took another hit, realizing how peaceful the Bay was with its water slapping against the rocks; the sound, the smell…

“Where are we at with the girls?” Sin asked, not turning to acknowledge him.

“They won’t be running any marathons soon, but I think they can handle getting their hands a little dirty,” Swift said, reaching into his pocket for his iPhone. Opening his photo gallery, he walked over to Sin, holding his phone out in front of him.

Not bothering to remove her glasses, Sin looked down at the phone.

“Raven,” Swift said as an image of medium brown girl popped up on the screen. Swift flicked through six pictures, each one transforming the girl. By the  sixth picture with hair, make up, and fully clothed, she was perfect. 

“Cymene,” he said, flipping through half a dozen more pictures. He did the same for the other two girls, Stone and Red.

Sin felt a familiar sense of excitement. She loved it when a plan came together. She knew the girls weren’t at their peak potential, but that was okay; they needed to only show their face, at most say a few words. The girls would be heavily protected; she told Swift to make sure of it.

“And your friends?” Sin asked.

“Just waiting on the word,” Swift responded. 

Sin grew silent as Swift took another hit.

“And what about my boys? Are they in?”

“As long as they don’t fuck up, they’ll be taken care of,” Sin shot back in a flat tone.

Swift nodded, taking one last hit of his blunt before flicking the roach into the bay.

“I gotta question.”

Sin turned and looked at Swift for the first time. Her bangs fell over the usual side of her face, covering her glasses. 

“How exactly do you plan on hiding the fact that the girls are gone from your brother?”

“He’ll have his hands pretty full.”

Swift nodded and Sin turned and walked to the driver side of her car.

Sin opened her car door and said, “Tell your friends, we’re ready and tell the girls they're going to be cold in Detroit.” 

Chapter 45

I was a liar. 

Like a battered wife, I returned again and again and again…

And again and again, I began to grow closer and closer to him. My emotions began to become invested and I hoped his was too.

I mean a bitch had already started breaking it off with her side niggas. 

Lance, the nigga who worked at Wells Fargo wasn’t really a factor, so I just kind of stopped answering the phone, even though he never stopped calling. 

Leo though, he was such a sweetheart that I felt he deserved an easy letdown. Leo was a rare form. He was one of few black men who was successfully raised to be a man by his mother. Once his mother died, he devoted his life to working. He worked so he would be able to provide his wife with the life he felt a woman deserved. When I first met Leo, he told me what he was looking for and it was beautiful. Though I wasn’t digging having eight kids, he had me convinced I could. He wanted to work so that his wife didn’t have to. He felt childbirth, raising the children, and tending to the housework was a woman’s job. Wasn’t really digging that either, so I just relished the conversation and the romance. 

So, you see, I felt that Leo would understand and even still be there for me if I needed it. 

When I got back from Los Angeles the second time, I called him.

“What’s up Dior?” his deep voice came over the line.

“Nothing,” I said, sitting up straight on the edge of my bed. “Just at home, chillin’.”

“Okay, cool. I ah, just got home from grocery shopping.”

The line got silent like it usually did when we were on the phone together. We argued more than talked about anything, since he didn’t really agree with the direction I was taking with my life. He didn’t know my real name or anything, but he knew a lot of my real-life situations. I talked to him about everything. It was awkward with me clearly trying to treat him as a friend, while he was clearly trying to have more. 

But he never pushed in the wrong ways.

“What if I told you me and my ex got back together?” I threw it out there.

“I don’t know what if, because I don’t focus on hypotheticals,” he said, with a little attitude. I knew we going to move into an argument. 

This was the shit I so did not like about him. All this being difficult shit.

“You’re not going to make this easy for me, are you?” I asked, rolling my eyes.

“Hmm?”

I took a deep and exhaled. We weren’t dating or anything, but still, I knew his intentions. 

“I’ve been talking to a guy for a while and it’s starting to get serious,” I spit out.

The line was silent for a minute.

“Is it serious?” he finally asked.

“Getting there,” I said uncomfortably.

He sighed loudly, “Okay.”

I felt horrible. 

“Good luck, call me if you need anything Dee,” he said.

And I felt worse. I wanted to cry. He hung up after and I felt like straight shit.

 It was something I knew I needed to do. 

 I just couldn’t bring myself to do it yet. I couldn’t bring myself  to be Shi again.

Chapter 46

It took three more visits to L.A. for me to get my shit together. I mean, yes, this man had me making changes in a major way. He was pulling out of my Vicky slump, although I knew he wouldn’t be able to do everything. 

I could see him in my life and I wanted him in my life. Hell, I needed him.

It was my fifth weekend with him. I was horny as hell and up to my usual plotting and scheming to bed this nigga without seeming like an easy, desperate hoe. 

You know, lady shit. He was going to have to work to get up in here. He didn’t need to know that I had him on disability and all he needed to do was reap the benefits. 

I have issues. Anyway…

I was horny and tired of this back and forth shit that left me wet and satisfied for a moment. Yes, a moment. Afterwards, I always felt gypped, cheated. Like, nigga; you just tricked my body. If that’s what I was looking for, I had a nice showerhead at the house. 

A showerhead that I didn’t have to travel three hundred miles to see.

So, I made a big move.

Yes, a bitch wanted him, I needed him. His smell, the feel of his touch. 

We were just lying in bed together, watching one of the Bourne Identity movies. I wasn’t paying it any attention. I was just lying on the man’s chest, fantasizing on what I wanted him to do to me. 

Better yet, what I wanted to do to him.

After being bored for so long, I looked up at him and slowly moved in for a kiss. I had my hands undoing his belt. I had his pants unzipped and was on top of him before he stopped me.

“Ni?” he said. I sighed, wondering if he was really going to continue to reject me. “I really like you…”

Yep, I thought. He’s rejecting me. 

“…I never met anyone like you, or had a relationship with a female like I got with you. No stress, no pressure…”

Wow!

This nigga seem to have a rejections speech for me and all. Shit, I was ready to convince myself that he was, in fact, gay.

“…I really just don’t want to complicate anything…”

Little late for that, I thought, trying to keep my remaining dignity by climbing off  him.

He grabbed my hands as I sat up on his bed. 

“Before we make the next step, I think we need to be honest with ourselves and one another.”

I was like, FUCK! Did he know I lied about, well, not lied but, not told the— 

Okay, I was a lie. Niema was a lie.

“Ni,” he sighed. “I done stressed off this, and…and, how you’d take it.” 

I was staring down at the bed. I couldn’t. I just wanted to be happy. I couldn’t take another heartbreak. I couldn’t sit here and just be rejected, yet again. But, I took a deep breath and began to nod as he spoke.

“I just hope we can at the very least still be friends after all this.”

He’s gay. Yep, that’s it. I just hoped for his and my own sake that he was. I felt that would be the only thing I would be okay with;  it would be the only reason I’d be losing again. 

I tried to steady my mind,  took a deep breath, and waited. The silence and the suspense was killing me. I opened my mouth to tell him just to  tell me, when he said, “I sell drugs,” he said, and then quickly began trying to justify himself, because he thought I was a square; a good girl. 

I laughed because he thought I was green and stupid. Hell, if I didn’t know nothing about the drug game, I most definitely knew how to spot one. He was only confirming what I already knew and I wanted to shout out, Duh!

It was cute the way he was trying to explain. I guess he thought I was laughing, because I didn’t believe him.  He said, “Really. I’m—”

I leaned down and kissed him. I didn’t know how to explain my relief and I really didn’t want to get into how much him telling me meant to me.

“…no, this is a dangerous life and I just want you to know what you’re getting into—”

This was so cute. I leaned down to kiss him again.

He broke from the kiss and then said, “Good girls and bad boys, huh?”

The age old question, Why do good girls like bad boys?

“Ni, look, I know it’s hard for me too—”

“I know, I can feel it,” I said grabbing at his penis.

“Wait, I really want to do this right. So, please,” he grabbed my hands and looked me in the eyes. “Just think about what I just told you. Think about what that means, especially before we take the next step and do this. Please, and then…” he sighed.

I nodded and cuddled back up to him in bed. I lay on his chest and thought. 

Do I really want to get into this life again? Do I really want to do this? 

I mean, I’d successfully gotten out alive. I began to think about the people I’d lost, the people that didn’t. Specifically King. 

Am I setting myself up again? Do I really want to relive that again? 

I slowly drifted off to sleep, wondering…

Chapter 47

I awoke on my side,  wrapped in Josh’s strong arms. I could hear and feel his soft breathing on the back of my neck. 

I yawned and snuggled back against Josh. I was safe and warm in his strong embrace. I closed my eyes and started back to sleep until I felt something moving up my back.

I bit my lip as Josh’s morning glory pushed against my back. I pushed back and rolled my ass a little to tease him. I could hear his breathing getting faster. 

I thought he was sleep and that this would have been some type of rape, and a new low for me, but he squeezed me tighter. He started to grind slowly with me and it was pissing me off, because I knew he was just teasing me back. I knew that we still needed to talk about last night, before he wanted to have sex. I knew, I knew…

I knew nothing because Josh stretched out a little and pulled me up, positioning his “good morning” under me. I took in a deep breath, feeling my boy shorts dampen. I bit down hard on my lip. He had my chest heaving up and down awkwardly as I anticipated what I waited on.

“You sure?” he whispered into my ear before taking my earlobe into his warm mouth. 

Now, and I have to explain this, it might seem like out of lust, I just moaned yes and we got it on. But that’s not the case, I really thought about it and it wasn’t me who had to be worried about him. It was he; who had to be worried about me and he seemed not to be. 

I moaned while he ran his tongue around my neck. The strong strokes his tongue made on my neck made my bones quiver and my chest heave with anticipation.

I nodded and all the anticipation and waiting was over. 

I felt him moving up my upper thigh and…

“Oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, Lover, don’t you dare slow down…”

He didn’t need any hands. He managed to maneuver around the thin fabric of my boy shorts. I bit down on his forearm as he slowly filled me with sweet, sweet anticipation. Anticipation  filled me slowly, until I was full of him. I could barely catch my breath as he withdrew his anticipation, just as slowly as it filled me. 

My eyes were in the back of my head when he fed my hunger. He filled me with his anticipation again and again and again; my appreciation grew louder and louder and louder. 

I didn’t know if it was because I ain’t had none in so long, or if he just knew what the hell he was doing. Whichever it was, he had the satisfaction of his anticipation everywhere. 

“Hmmmm,” his voice vibrated through my eardrum. “You like that?”

I didn’t know what to say. I was most definitely a one-minute woman and I had half the mind to just lay back, push the nigga away from me and go back to sleep. But I waited too long and wanted it so bad. 

Breathing from my nose again, I looked over my shoulder. 

“You finished?” I asked, licking my lips and wanting more. “Or you tired?”

I heard a low guttural laugh before he whispered, “It takes more than that to make a nigga bust.”

I don’t know why that turned me on, but it did and he had no idea what was about to come up out of Pandora’s Box.

Chapter 48

Being wined,  dined, and romanced by Josh, for the fifth weekend in a row, always made me smile. And the sex, well; it kept me coming over and over again.

Though the sex was good, crippling even, all good things had to come to an end. It was time for me to go back to… my life?

Niema?

Though I didn’t want to leave his side after we consummated our relationship,  there were still some things that I needed to do. Some things I knew I needed to do sooner rather than later, or else the thing I had going with Josh would never be.

I didn’t want to dome our relationship before it started. So, this time I didn’t catch my flight back. Though I walked in and through the gates, I also walked right back off my flight. I knew Josh wouldn’t be standing there waiting for the plane to leave, as romantic as it sounded. 

I doubled back and caught a cab to a Hertz Rental place. I rented a nice little Kia Rio and set off towards the Bay. I decided to go off the grid for my journey home, so I turned off my phone and started to drive. I followed the traffic signs to where I hoped was headed back home and just drove. 

I drove and I thought. 

What did I want?

I guess I wanted the same things every girl wanted. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to find my Prince Charming; I wanted to fall in love. I wanted to get married, and have children. I wanted a family. I wanted the house, the fence. I wanted someone to love me. I needed someone to love me, I needed to love someone.

I wanted to…

I knew that if I wanted to be happy; if I wanted to salvage any bit of my dream to have a family of my own, I knew I had to put the Vicky shit behind me. 

And I knew exactly what I had to do, or rather who I had to call. With no idea where I was, I grabbed my phone and scrolled through my contacts. I found the number I was looking for with ease. I decided to try his cell phone first.

The phone rang twice and I was ready to hang up. However, I didn’t, I couldn’t and even if I decided to, he’d call back.

“Agent Hodges,” he said, and my breath caught. I debated hanging up; something inside of me was, scared. I was scared of going down this path with Vicky again. “Scheyenne?” he called, stopping my train of thought. I sat, staring out my window at the black depth, which I was sure were the mountains. “Scheyenne?”

Taking a deep breath, I corrected him and said, “Shi. You can call me Shi.”

“Okay, well, Shi,” he said into the phone. “What can I do for you?”

I took a deep breath, knowing I wasn’t ready, yet knowing I needed to.

I needed to be me again and get my life back. Josh had taught me that much. I’d learned a lot from Josh over the past three months. 

Though we didn’t have a title, I considered us dating or, rather talking. We talked about everything and anything, and he gave me great advice, great ambiguous advice. 

When me and Josh talked, I never really said who I was talking about, or the way I explained something was so vague that I forgot what I was talking about. Regardless, he would thing and always asked insightful questions, before telling me what he would do. 

And he told me that my friend, Shi, she needed to go reclaim her life after losing her fiancé to a bullet and her best friend. She needed to sit down and reassess and think of what she wanted, what she needed.

“Shi?” Agent Hodges said into the phone. I’d been dead silent, he must have thought I’d hung up. “What’s up?”

Taking a second breath in, I exhaled, “Vicky.”

Chapter 49

The Trap was a cannabis club in San Leandro on East 14th Street. It was a popular club with wait times from 30 minutes to an hour. 

Lil’ L sat in the waiting room after sliding his ID under the glass. Tapping his foot impatiently, he pulled out his phone and looked at it again. 

“No cell phones!” the guard shouted 

“My bad, bruh, I was just checking the time.”

“Well that’s what watches is for.”

Lil’ L shrugged and put his phone back in his pants.

“Don’t get kicked out of there,” Raja’s voice said into his earphone. Nodding his head, Lil’ L whispered, “I know,” into his Bluetooth earphone. Lil’ L made eye contact with four men around the room. Sick-Wit-It sat next to the ATM machine, across from the entrance to the back room. Swift was across from Sick-Wit-It, while Trey and Joey sat together in the middle of the room, watching Sports Center. They’ve been to this shop a dozen times preparing. 

They didn’t need to look for the cameras; they knew where they were. They didn’t need to know how many guards were going to be there; they had their schedules down for weeks.

Lil’ L heard his name being called over the loud speaker and his heart began to race. Here we go, he thought as he stood up and walked towards the back room. 

Within fifteen minutes, the four of them were standing in a single file line in a small room filled with glass counters and cases of weed. Lil’ L was next in line, but Swift walked in front of him to the cash register closest to the door. He began bullshitting with the white guy standing there. 

“Let me get some purp.”

“Well, we have several kinds. We have…”

Swift zoned out while the guy named different strains of purp. Looking around Swift noticed Lil’ L was being helped now. A man walked out past Swift and Swift knew they needed more time. 

“Lemme see ‘em all.”

“All of them?”

“Yeah, I gotta see um to see if I like um; I’ll want an ounce of each. Fuck it, maybe even five.”

The white guys eyes got wide as he turned and pulled cases of weed down. 

Swift pretended to look and smell the weed as he waited for them to be the only people at the registers. By the time Sick-Wit-It got to a register, Swift was having his order bagged up. 

“Will that be all?” the white boy asked after stapling the bag together. 

Sick-Wit-It was the closest to Swift. He could hear his entire transaction and it was a good thing, because the others were too busy in their roles to pay any attention. 

“Naw, that’s it,” Swift said, remaining stiff.

That was the end of the transaction and it was almost time.

“A’ight, thanks my man,” Sick-Wit-It said a little loudly with a roaring laugh. He only got an eight, so it didn’t take long to bag. 

His loud laugh was enough to get everyone’s attention. 

“Okay, we’re looking at  three seventy-five,” the white boy said, pressing buttons on the computer screen in front of him. 

“Koo,” Swift said, reaching for the gun right above his wallet. 

The large door opened, just as he gripped the handle. Swift turned his head to see the big, burly security guard from earlier that checked Lil’ L about his phone. Swift’s eyes quickly went to his waist where his gun sat. 

Fuck! Swift thought, knowing the plan was fucked.

The guard went for his gun quickly and Swift knew he wasn’t going to have enough time to draw down and turn around. 

“Aye—” 

Phst! 

The guard’s words were caught in his throat as his head snapped back and blood flew over the smoked out glass door. His body fell to the side. The room was silent. Swift’s chest was heaving as he looked around, pointing his gun. 

Trey was standing across the room with his gun up. 

Swift turned to look at the guard. Fuck! Looking up, he noticed the people in line and the shocked faces of the workers. He knew the shock would wear off and they had to move fast.

“Sick, go handle the lobby, Joey, grab the cameras, Trey, get this in here handled,” Swift barked orders as he pointed his gun. The men were moving before he could get done, “L, find the money and make sure you hit the safe. You know they gotta s— L!”

Swift was pointing his gun and looking around.

“Look, y’all keep quiet and we all go home today,” Swift said, walking to Lil’ L. “L! L!” he called. “Snap out that shit.” Swift sent a sharp backhand across Lil’ L’s face. He grabbed his cheek and looked up at Swift, shocked. “This ain’t the time to freeze up nigga. Go!”

Lil’ L nodded and then ran around the counter. 

Nodding, Swift turned around, “Now—”

“Cody, they ha—aahhhhh!” the receptionist screamed.

Swift quickly put a bullet in her head. Fuck! 

Someone behind him screamed;  he turned and silenced them, and for good measure, the other three in line. Turning around, he  started shaking his head as he shushed them.

“Pick which home you want to go to today,” he said, swinging the gun back and forth. “Good, now—”

“Swift!”

Swift swung his gun to the back room. “Fuck! I almost shot yo’ ass, L. Did you get it?”

“Raja says we need to get out now!”

“What?” Swift looked around. Is he serious? “You, get me the money out of the registers,” he said to the white guy that was helping him. Pointing his gun at the woman who was helping Sick-Wit-It, he said, “You go back there with him and show him the safe.”

“But Raj—”

“Raja don’t run shit,” Swift said, watching the man at the register carefully. “Now if he gotta problem with that, then tell him to take it up with Sin.”

Lil’ L moved aside slowly and let the girl lead him away.

Chapter 50

Sin stared at the large grandfather clock in the upstairs study. She’d been sitting there in the dark, staring at it as time passed. She tried to keep her mind clear and off her emotions. The only thing she could think about to keep her focused was the face which haunted her every dream. The face responsible for her face. 

Sin reached up to touch her face. She felt the rough, burned skin of her right cheek. She turned on the light at the desk and pulled out a compact. She opened the mirror and moved the hair away from her face. As she stared at her disfigured face, she could feel the tears coming. Her beautiful face, her eye was burned shut and all because of some jealous bitch.

There was a knock on the door.

Sin covered her face up and dabbed her good eye, stopping her makeup from being messed up.

“Come in,” she called after clearing her throat. 

The door opened and Raja appeared. Sin froze and sat straight up as he walked in. Her heart was beating quickly. She registered the anger and frustration on his face when he came into the light.

“What’s wrong?” she asked in a flat tone.

“Yo’ man Swift, you need to talk to him,” Raja said angrily. 

“What did he do?”

“Getting us caught up,” Raja said. “He is getting sloppy. He just shot up a club and when I told him to get out of there, he risked the whole thing and stayed.”

“Did he get the money?” Sin asked, after a moment’s silence. 

“What?”

“Did he get the money? Or did he just risk their lives for nothing?”

“That’s not the point, Sin,” Raja exclaimed. “We need them to listen, to obey. How else do you expect us to do all this if we got these lone rangers going off on their own?”

“I thought the point was money, which you just said they got,” Sin said calmly. “Now, I’ll speak with Swift about going off on these dangerous missions. After all, isn’t that what the pawns are for?”

Raja stared at his sister. She was right, it had nothing to do with Swift going off and being dangerous. It had everything to do with the fact that he felt like Sin was replacing him. 

“Now, I’ll speak with him and inform him that he is no longer a pawn.”

The finality in Sin’s voice left a deft silence.

“I think it’s time we think about talking to Fam, Sin,” Raja said, trying to change the subject.